Lots of college news and it all makes me feel rather confused. In other words, I don’t know whether I need to be excited or frightened, and the excitement frightens me. I discussed it on Tuesdqay already and I think it is quite a difficult-to-grasp concept to me, cause, whenever I allow myself to be excited cause I might be sitting in class in a really interesting college programme in two weeks, there are so many things telling me that it either won’t work out or isn’t the right thing to do.
Turns out the folk who called last week has some connection to Saxion I don’t understand (possibly she is involved with disabled students, but her prejudice didn’t suggest it) and the person coordinating the part-time applied psychology thing E-mailed me on Wednesday, basically saying she was all fine with my enrolling in the programme. We (Arda and I) will be speaking with her on Monday when we visit college for an info thing.
At the same time, it all still means I’ll have to scan my own books. Turns out there are seven books I’ll need the first quarter, which isn’t much but is a lot of scanning effort. I will be using the public computer here cause my own computer is having problems. I fortunately did find a computer dealer here in Apeldoorn who might be able to sell me a new computer my father recommended – I will be calling him today and hope to be able to pick up the computer on Monday.
I will also have to pick up my diploma and list of grades at my parents’ today, cause of course I’ll need it for the application process. My parents, unfortunately, don’t like this thing at all, probably partly cause they don’t like the subject (but can I have my own interests, please?) and partly cause this college isn’t university. (In the Netherlands, certain college programmes are offered by what in a literal translation would be “higher vocational education” and others are university; Radboud is university and Saxion is not, even though it uses the word “university” in its English name.) Last night, I had a nightmare in which my father destroyed my diploma and grades list cause he thought that if I didn’t go to Radboud, there was no point in doing any education whatsoever. Fortunately, I know he won’t do this.
In short, I have some hope that it will all at least work out so I can start classes by either September 4 (most likely) or September 11, but it all really scares me and there is this voice inside my head telling me that, if this works out, I shoul’ve gone to Radboud cause I’m an intellectual and it’s my duty to prove that I can go to university. Well, you know the whole thing. Why in the world is it that, each time I enjoy something, there seems to be something wrong with it? And why is it that everyone else seems to be doing what whoever decides it, likes? And why on Earth can’t people stop thinking in black and white, believing that not going to Radboud (and majoring in something my mother is interested in, cause she categorically excluded everything she knows I like but she doesn’t) in 2006 is the same as remaining on disability for the rest of your life? Hmmm, there must be some black-and-white thinking gene, I guess.