I am finding that I cannot explain the complexity of what is going on in my mind. One moment, I’m writing about blindness and my feelings about it, the next you see me writing about the “ladies” and their roles in my mind, then a short while later it’s the behaviour stuff, or the communication/social problems, or my general feelings of resentment. And that’s only just what is going through my mind. That’s not even taking into account my skills deficits, cause all people say that I’m probably not as bad as I think I am. They don’t know that I learnt to hang out the laundry just last week, cannot cook or go grocery shopping, and that I still find it very difficult to travel independently. I could get a train and travel to Amsterdam if it were once in a few months, but I can’t see myself going to Nijmegen everyday, and arrive at 9:00 AM for my first college class.
With all that is going on in my mind and the skills deficits that I’m having, I’m wanting to detach completely from the whole college stuff. It’s not something I want to do; it’s something others want me to do. People still keep pretending that I want to go to college, but I’ve made damn clear that I don’t already in November. And yet they have their goals for me, and I can’t defy. That’s for two reasons: firstly, the physical consequences, ie. the possibility of being kicked out of the house, but more importantly of course my sense that they’re still my parents/teachers and have a form of authority over me. With the parents, that’s very logical since I’m still living with them, and with the teachers it’s very apparent for their responsiblility feelings with the future planning stuff (mainly my tutor and the student counsellor). In October was the only time when I was making my own decisions, but the people’s lack of support for my decision and my own lack of knowledge of how to arrange it, caused me to drop the entire thing, and decide that I should follow the other people’s decisions made for me. I’m still partly feeling willing to do so (not really willing, but obligated), but the thing that I don’t know how to get it arranged, keeps me from doing it. And that causes me to feel totally worried, cause I cannot make plans for myself but I cannot arrange what others want me to, and I’m scared that I might be kicked out of the house. That’s making me totally want to detach from the entire situation, and just simply not care, just see what will happen in June.