Adventures on a Random Bus Ride

I was, and still am, rather confused again today. College is in one way getting somewhere in that I won’t be rejected, but all the stuff that has to be arranged is getting nowhere. I was trying to buy a new computer today. Turns out the model I wanted is unavailable. When I called my father to ask about a model the dealer was trying to sell me, my father was like: “Why in the world are you so hurried now?” Well, what do you think? College will be starting in a few weeks. But he doesn’t care anyway.

In the evening, I was so confused I felt like just running away and whatever. When Henriëtte left at 8:40, she didn’t want me to leave the house to wander, but I decided on catching the bus at 9:00 PM and transferring randomly at the station to ride another bus’ entire route back to teh station. You know, I have this fascination with bus stops and I’ve always wanted to get to know the Apeldoorn bus network. So I caught line five and drove to the station. The voice system announcing stops was off, so I was afraid they never had it on in the evenings. At the station, I actually wanted to get onto some bus I’d never been on like line seven, but I ended up on line three to Apenheul (the opposite direction from my parents), cause that was the only unfamiliar direction I remembered when someone asked me what bus I needed. It’s really weird, but I don’t remember a stop called “Apenheul” and not even a stop the system tells you to get off if you want to go to Apenheul, like you do have a bus stop called Lippe-Biesterfeldstraat where the system will announce that you will have to go off to go to the rehab centre. How weird!

I planned on getting off again at the station, but while on the way I figured that, should the bus driver ask something like wehther I’d caught the right bus before then, I would get off at Kanaalstraat, which is the last stop before the station but only one way, ie. you won’t come across the stop just acfter leaving the station, so it’s an acceptable excuse to ride out the entire route (almost). I’d walk to Hoofdstraat then to catch another bus. But I, still being in a confused state, didn’t know whether I’d remember the route and walk it safely (it was a route I used to walk when returning from fitness, but I never really managed it). Furthermore, the bus driver did not comment on my riding out the entire cycle, so I got off at the station. I wanted to catch line seven now, but someone asked me what bus I needed to get onto again (I have no idea what direction line seven goes), and the line three driver jumped in saying I’d ridden his entire route, so I just said I had to get onto line five to Woudhuis (the bus home). “Are you sure you want to go to Woudhuis now?” the line three folk asked. No, I wasn’t, but I was confused enough not to know any alternative and rational enough to know that Woudhuis was home. I got onto line five and off at the bus stop near my home, wanted to wander but didn’t cause I feared the police would be called on me and I didn’t have my passport with me (required by law), so I just walked home. I tried to watch some TV (well, I did, but I tried to relax while doing so) and, when I thought I could think clealry again, tried to E-mail the computer vendor, but failed cause my computer, obviously, is still having problems. (My father, by the way, doesn’t believe there’s something really irreversably wrong, but I think he can have mine and just experiment.) Now I guess I will try to get some sleep.

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Thoughts about Independence and My Travel to Nijmegen

I went to Radboud University on Wednesday. Caught the bus near the training home at 11:43 AM, got the 12:09 PM train to Zutphen, caught the 12:28 express to Nijmegen and arrived there at 1:07 PM. A railway company assistant took me to the bus station. There, we couldn’t find the correct bus, that would take me to the dentistry department, where I’d have to get off. But I remembered there was another bus that’d stop at Houtlaan, a street also near the university building I’d have to get to. So the railroad woman took me to that bus, which appeared not to stop at Houtlaan. So as I got off, I had to walk for a long while to eventually find the correct building. But I was still on time.

The discussion with the stuent counsellor went all very well. She understood the accommodations I needed, gave me a tactile map of the campus and informed me that, with a doctor’s note and letters from myself and her, I am eligible for some disability policy where I’d be able to get housing by September. When I informed the training home staff about that, they seemed rather shocked, as if they didn’t know that I wasn’t planning on living at the training home for eighteen months till two years. It was exactly what I’d planned, cause once I’m at university, I’ll probably not have time for training anyway.

The way back was somewhat more complicated. It was easier to get to the bus and the Nijmegen train station, but I’d not known when the express to Zutphen would come, so someone got me on the slow train. Once in it, I got off at Dieren instead of Zutphen, but fortunately the express to Deventer (I wonder if it’s the same that’s coming from Nijmegen) arrived a few minutes later. Otherwise, I’d known what bus to take to Apeldoorn anyway, but it was nice that I could get onto the train. I transferred to the train to Apeldoorn without difficulty and got onto the right bus without problems, too. I arrived home at about 5:15 PM.

So, not surprisingly, the journey didn’t go perfectly, but I got where I wanted to and in the time I’d scheduled. The only truly surprising effect was that I was exhausted – I’d not expected sitting in a train or bus or having a discussion that went well, would be so tiring. That particular drawback made me feel confused: I’d expected that either it’d go all well, so I could be proud of myself and “prove” to the skeptical staff that indeed, I could travel independently, or it’d go completely wrong, so I’d have had to admit my limitations and accept the fact that, in order to travel independently, one has to learn a route first. But neither came out, so I and others could interpret the journey in these two ways, or an even more undesirable combination of the two: something about it being brave for me to want to do this independently but my having to acknowledge my limitations, or whatever. Such an in-between perspective leaves the most room for interpretation about what is people’s attitude about the capabilities of a blind person to travel independently, and it troubles me not only on my journey to Nijmegen, but also on simpler travels to the bus stop or the supermarket: what’s the criterion for mastering the route? Is it knowing the way? I do, on both routes. Is it not making a mistake on my way? If it were, I wouldn’t ever have mastered any route, cause even after ten years I might still walk past my own house sometimes. Or are factors unrelated to orientation involved? On the route to the supermarket, my coach comments on stuff like walking straight and hearing a sidestreet by using echolocation (instead of seeing it or feeling it). Now if that’s the issue, it doesn’t prevent me from travelling routes I know – that does not include the route to the supermarket yet – alone, and fortunately the staff people don’t think I shouldn’t go to the bus stop alone. Or maybe only my coach thinks I shouldn’t, cause after one staff member had gone to the bus stop with me on Wednesday, she skeptically asked me if I’d ever walked the route alone, as if the fact that, after another staff member asked me if I minded the staff folk going with me and I said I didn’t mind, this staff member walked with me, meant that I couldn’t travel the route alone. Of course I had travelled it alone! It makes me think of the stages a rehab student, according to Kenneth Jernigan, goes through: fear and insecurity, rebellious independence, and, eventually, normal independence (whatever that is to mean). Maybe a blind person’s entire social environment revolves around these stages, sort of expecting such a linear development: first, you of course don’t have to do much for yourself cause you’re not used to the setting and/or you’re just starting your training (assuming you didn’t have training before), then you have to prove your mastery of the skill by doing the stated thing without any help – having a staff member accompany you to the bus stop cause you realize that by having her be there to lead you should you make a mistake, you’ll save time and, hence, make it to your bus on time, is seen as a sign of incompetency -, and eventually, they’ll allow you to do things on your own even if, at some point, you might be making mistakes. Maybe that’s the answer to my question, thought many times and spoken out a few over the past week: if one has to do something perfectly before being allowed to do it at all? At first, one does, indeed. That’s probably why people at NFB centres are expected to do drop-offs, while one would never travel in an unfamiliar area without asking questions in real life: being able to do a drop-off proves that one masters the skills of independent travel.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe entirely in the linear development of an independence-oriented attitude to blindness, cause one may have different attitudes to different situations, and, particularly, a combination of the first two stages, is very common for me, taking the form of worry (in some situations knowledge) that I don’t master a skill but also a feeling that I ought to master it. The thought most suitable for this situation is “I can’t hold on but I have to rub along anyway”, and it’s a very prevalent feeling in my life. It was the feeling I had whenever what to do after high school graduation would come up in early 2005. It was the feeling I had in the last couple of weeks of rehab, when I found myself addressing issues I’d not felt comfortable addressing before yet and at the same time wanting to minimize them cause after all, I had to have made progress. And it’s the feeling I have about training here now: I didn’t come to this home cause I mastered all skills already, so I want someone to teach me to do these things, but I also want to be able to do them already cause, firstly, I should’ve learnt them at rehab, and, secondly, I will have to be done training by September.

A very specific application of this feeling, is travel, and it was what happened surrounding the going to Nijmegen on my own thing: I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find people to ask the way, or that I would get “locked up inside” upon having to ask them, or that I wouldn’t be able to follow their directions, or that I wouldn’t know the way from the bus to the train station in Apeldoorn, or some other skill required for the travel. And yet at the same time I realized that I had to travel independently, cause, after all, I assumed I was a successful blind person. The journey went mostly without trouble, eventually. However, I’ll never say that it isn’t more convenient to go with someone. It is, but sometimes you’ll have to step outside of your comfort zone, don’t you?

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What to Do about My Difficulties?

How can I get over my emotional difficulties with blindness? I think it’s in part just getting used to new behaviour. It makes no sense to get into philosophical or psychological discussions on the same topic over and over again cause I can’t seem to convince myself that my ideas are not helpful, since no matter what I think or feel about some attitude or concept, some things just need to be done. That’s what I wrote about before when discussing stuff like asking for customer assistance or asking the bus driver about my transfer. Because I’m not yet used to this new behaviour, I don’t know if it’ll work on a level beyond pretence, but at least it’ll get me to do things. That’s what a behavioural approach is all about – getting yourself (or someone else, as it’s more commonly used) to act in a certain way. And that works satisfactorily at least with the bus stop stuff. Maybe, someday, I will truly not care about the philosophical objection I have to this behaviour, since I see that it works. Then maybe a competent blind person will someday tell me that I’m dependent, but then he can at least show me how to do this without asking for help. The rehab folks can’t and don’t believe it’s necessary either, and the sighted bus drivers have so far not objected. That may be about traditional attitudes, but it makes no sense not to do anything cause the only way you know of doing it is by asking for assistance. And maybe competent blind adults won’t even object – after all, I remember the discussion on NABS-L on transportation last June in which people said it was a bus driver’s legal obligation to announce stops (which it isn’t here) and that it was our responsibility to make him aware of that. It even astonished me.

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Transportation and a Philosophy of Blindness

Every once in a while, on one of the blindness-related E-mail lists I’m on, a discussion about transportation will come up. Right now, it’s on the NABS-L list. Transportation is a particularly controversial issue, since it is something that may at times still be troubling even if you have good travel skills (which I don’t, admittedly). Not all cities have good transit systems, and this often raises questions with regard to such things as ParaTransit, discounts and the like. Usually, many people are opposed to such accommodations, since they’re unnecessary, unfair (they argue that driving also costs money), and send the wrong message about the blind.

One topic that’s currently being discussed, is that of bus or subway drivers announcing stops. A statement that caught my attention, was someone saying that bus drivers are required by law to announce stops, and that it’s our responsibility as blind people to make them aware of this. The context in which the person said it, was even stranger: that we can’t expect our fellow passengers to tell us when to get off, cause they might be in a hurry. It sounded as though one’d be too dependent if one asked a fellow passenger for the name of a stop, but that it’d be okay to ask the bus driver cause he’s required by law. Here, in the Netherlands, bus drivers aren’t required by whatever law or policy to announce stops. I consider it a positive thing if they do, or if they have a computer installed that announces the stops, but if they don’t, I just ask the driver to tell me when I have to get off or I ask a fellow passenger. I also count stops and make sure I know the route a bit, so I can figure out when I’m about to near my stop. No law required for that. It came across to me as if the law was mandating what I consider courtesy and will ask of the bus driver but will be prepared if he forgets.

Because I don’t have an established “philosophy of blindness”, I tend to view such remarks in a broader light, wondering what the message that it’s blind folks’ responsibility to tell drivers that they’re required by law to announce stops, implies. The part of it being our responsibility implies that one’s expecting too much of another person if one doesn’t do the stated, and yet the part of the being required by law to announce stops sets off my radar with regard to the message this sends about blindness. I’m not saying that blind people can do easily without such annoucements – blind people can do anything they want if they pour enough time and energy into it, but I have enough experience with that mindset to be sick and tired (sometimes literally) of it -, but I am saying that, like with any accommodation, this is sending the message that blind people require special treatment. Worse yet, this particular accommodation is making blind people dependent upon the sighted (ie. the bus driver), which is incorrect, ain’t it? I’m sensing there’s something not quite logical about this.

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Thoughts on Free Transportation for a Disabled Person’s Companion

Last Monday, we had a party at my German teacher’s cause she’s resigning as a teacher at our school. In advance, I E-mailed the rest of the class cause
I thought it might be a good idea to carpool or if someone went by train if we could travel together. My Dad wanted to drive me, but of course he found it a better idea if I could carpool with someone else or travel by train. (I can normally travel by train on my own, but this route was very difficult,
so I had to travel with somebody else.) When I’d E-mailed my class and got no reply I informed my father (so he knew I’d tried, but couldn’t find anyone
to travel with). Then, my mother asked if I’d told the class that I had a guide’s pass. This is a public transportation pass on which someone can travel
for free if he is a disabled person’s “guide” (someone uses my guide’s pass always if I’m travelling with him, regardless of whehter he’s really guiding
me). I hadn’t. I namely felt this was really as if I were begginf if please somebody could guide me on my journey to the teacher’s. I found it was coming
across sooo helplessly – I did need some help on my journey by train, but I felt that mentioning I had the guide’s pass in that E-mail would be like helplessly,
hopelessly begging the others for some charity, and they could even travel for free, etc. Eventually, my father drove me, but if I’d travelled by train
with somebody else I’d of course let him/her use my guide’s pass (or we would both pay half the money), but I simply didn’t want to use it as an “incentive”.
Just wondering what you folks would do? I did encounter this situation also once last year, but this time my Dad asked a classmate if he could be guiding
me on our bus journey (we both went to a debate then) and he did mention the guide’s pass immediately. I felt pretty ashamed when I heard of it.

Astrid

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