Planned next week’s studying with help from first Ellen and later Arda. Got it done quite nicely until I freaked out at my psychology project and the orientation to Saxion’s programmes and career psychology assignments. Elma had suggested on Monday that I ask Koos to allow me to hand in psychology later (has to be January 29), but I decided against that cause the reason I haven’t yet finished it is purely about not having started it on time – particularly, having debated far too long about which topic to choose (eventually chose mild intellectual impairment). The orientation to Saxion’s programmes thing is stupid, cause I did finish all that I can finish already, but firstly I have far too little content (only three pages and it has to be 10-15, but I can really only think of nonsense to add) and secondly, we will be getting the last workshop (or really not a workshop at all, some stupid info market) on January 29 and it has to be handed in February 2. That’s a problem to everyone. Eventually, I did send Elma an E-mail asking her to help me contact the career psychology instructor to ask her to delay my having to hand in the project. The reason is that I only finished scanning the reader one or two weeks ago. In fact, I thought I’d scanned all of it two weeks ago, because the same reader is used for cognitive social psychology and we don’t have that now, but when scanning that part of the reader, I still found career psychology stuff last week. As a consequence, I didn’t fully understand the assignment till last week. And that combined with the fact that I missed the first class (in which assignments are usually explained somewhat) and the fact that instructors always say “Look in your reader” when I ask them about assignments, made it only possible to start the project last week. By the way, the reader says something different about the assignment than what I remember the instructor saying, but I’ll just stick with the reader. I did start the assignment, but it requires 150 pages of reading. While I’d started that long before starting the assignment, I have to reread most of it for use in the assignment. Partly, of course, this is a planning problem: I didn’t have either the book or the reader on time, but I could’ve started doing other projects. Could have. I’ll certainly plan much more strictly for the third quarter. Now really do hope the instructor – who is pretty strict, but okay – will allow me to hand it in a few weeks later. I, by the way, do hope I can still do communication psychology on February 5.
My sister was here yesterday. First, we went to a play by my sister’s classmates, but I have no idea what it was about and can’t remember most of it. Really didn’t understand a thing. Then, we went to my house and had some drink. Sigrid started asking me about mental health. She asked what that folk had said on Tuesday and I gave some noninformative answer about the Friday appointment. Then, she insisted I explain why I am actually in mental health. Well, you know how difficult that is anyway, and I didn’t particularly feel like it, either. That’s cause I know Sigrid doesn’t like mental health professionals and also sort of believes I really don’t have a problem. At first, I just told her to read my journal, but I’m not sure if I want her to, cause my ideas of my situation and what’s come of it differ in some fundamental ways from the idea Sigrid eventually made up for herself. She started assuming I was going to mental health cause of not being able to chit-chat and got to tell me that neither can my father. Whaha! I think my chit-chatting abilities are better than what my sister thinks they are and I don’t need help for the fact that I don’t like chit-chat. Then she went on making more assumptions about “communication” and “social skills” but essentially meaning my lack of friends. Well, of course I don’t like that state, but it’s not something that significantly troubles me (not anymore, at least). Sigrid kept being convinced that the problem was about friends for quite a long while, so I had to tell her at least three or four times that it wasn’t. Meanwhile, she said that not having friends and not being able to chit-chat run in the family, as if that were a reason not to care if I did think it was a problem. Severe mental illness runs in families, too. But the worst of it all was that Sigrid went on from this paradigm assuming I had no place where I could truly be myself (well, you’re right there, but the reason is not about being or feeling too good) and telling me why Mum believes everything will be much better once I’m at university. Her logic seems to be as follows: everyone needs at least one person who is truly, genuinely interested in them and with whom they can be completely themselves. Now of course I’m super special, being extremely intelligent and having hugely unique interests and all. She means politics and philosophy, not calendar calculation or any of my other truly odd interests (the current one is job offers in healthcare). Now cause of being so special, I need people of the same specialness to associate with. That means people “of my level”. That’s not Sigrid, even though she’s going to be at university next year, too. It’s not anyone at high school, even though most people in my level high school go to university. I wonder how everyone is suddenly going to gain those damned IQ points or whatever determines “level” by transferring from high school to university, but well. Never mind that my IQ is not extreme even though it’s high and my interests are not unique. And besides, I’m not doing okay in places where my mother assumes these spcial people are, like the Socialist Party. I guess that imaginary Dr. Jansen I wrote about a view weeks ago should do a case study on my mother, too, and her disorder should be called Narcissistic Personality Disorder by proxy.
The whole thing, according to Sigrid, had something to do with adapting to other people. According to Sigrid, I couldn’t or didn’t want to adapt to others. Well, if anything, I can’t, cause I don’t have the slightest idea what she meant. In this context, she liked the question from Tuesday whether I could imagine how other people feel. This is weird, cause earlier in the discussion, she vigorously stated that I have absolutely no problem with that cause I can for example tell that when someone cries, they’re sad. But well, I couldn’t adapt, or at least wouldn’t. Sigrid assumed I didn’t want to cause I felt I was wasting my time – or she felt that way, at least – dealing with people whom I had to adapt to. Hmm, maybe it would be easier that way, cause it meant not desiring to be around or associate with people I have to adapt to. Sometimes, in my current state, I wish I were that aloof. But I eventually got it through to Sigrid that I did want to adapt. As you can see, she still believed the whole thing was about informal communication or friends. Still, she didn’t abandon the adapting paradigm as she got convinced it wasn’t about informal communication but about behaviour and communication in a more functional sense. I told her about the January 3 agreement and we got into a discussion of what impact being kicked out would have. I informed her that I would still have time to find a place to live, cause I won’t be kicked out right away. She asked me whether I thought I could live without assistance. I made a slip, cause I honestly told her that I don’t – something I shouldn’t say to Sigrid. She said that was a reason why being kicked out would have major impact: not so much cause I really wouldn’t survive without assistance (we both agree that I won’t starve or the like), but cause, according to Sigrid, my lack of motivation after being kicked out would lower my level of functioning so significantly that I wouldn’t be able to keep up. Hmmm, who was it again telling me that I should just go to Nijmegen by September, 2006, while I believed I couldn’t? As for being told to leave: I cannot predict the future and I hope I won’t have to, but I’ve been known for holding on when I really have to. Besides, that was not what we were talking about: freaking out to the point of almost being kicked out, is a problem no matter what being kicked out is going to imply.
Then Sigrid got to ask about those “fights” with the staff. At first, she assumed it had to do with her old idea about adapting, too, in that I freaked out cause people were belittling me or something. Hell, no. Meanwhile, she tried to explain several times what she meant by adapting to others and why she thought I had a problem with that, but I didn’t (and still don’t) understand her and repeatedly told her so. I apparently screamed to her, too, but she didn’t consider that significant – she just told me I did. Her first paradigm was that I felt misunderstood. Well, yeah, sometimes, but that’s not about the other person. She should’ve known this by now, if she was thinking a little meta-communicatively, cause she didn’t consider her not understanding my explanations and my consequently getting frustrated, to be her problem (and neither did I). So she concluded that I couldn’t explain things. That became a new paradigm, but this time I at least see it happen in reality. And I didn’t understand. Well, I said so several times on Tuesday. My sister calls it “miscommunication” and therefore getting into “fights” and concluded that, if I didn’t understand the adapting thing, that was a fine thing to say, too. I did, and can I please make up my own ideas? She had a problem with Renee having been present at the admission interview, but later didn’t anymore, as I told her I agreed with what Renee had said. And now she didn’t even disagree with my using other people’s paradigms to explain my situation, if I couldn’t explain it myself. She meant her adapting thing. Well, I do sometimes use paradigms made up by others, like the clarity thing, but only those that I do understand.
Now I do wonder what she told Mum about the mental health thing, cause it seemed that she was in fact sent by Mum to interrogate me. I don’t want her to tell anything, cause that increases the likelihood of false expectations and ungrounded opinions. The thing is, I would’ve wanted her to know the thing if I knew she’d stand with me when I made the decision. Like, of course she didn’t agree with the thing when it was still supposedly Renee’s decision, but I hoped she would support me after the admisssion interview. She didn’t. She still doesn’t. She’s only “interested”. Hell, I just want her to be *really* interested, if she can’t support me, but all I get is obligatory curiosity. By the way, Sigrid eventually supported my decision to go to mental health, but that support was based on her views of why I’m there. I guess she’s going to drop her support next Friday (depending on the outcome of that discussion) or even when she gets to read the January 16 entry.
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