Questioning is in a sense a sexual orientation, although it may also not be one, since someone who is questioning is, for whatever reason, unsure of what gender(s) they are attracted to, if any. It can also mean being unsure of whether one is asexual or sexual. Being questioning is developmentally typical in early adolescence, although most people assume they’re straight and sexual because it’s the “default” sexual orientation. Being “bi-curious” and similar things are forms of being questioning, but they are not really inclusive.
There is much stigma associated with being questioning. Most people assume that you must somehow know your sexual orienttion, but are either afraid of coming out (if you are presumed to be queer), or “it’s just a phase” (if you’re assumed to be straight). In my own case, I was told that I only identified as first lesbian, then pansexual, and finally as questioning, because I wanted to be different in a way other than blindness.
I want to make this really clear: it’s okay to be questioning. It doesn’t even mean you’ll ever find otu your sexual orientation – you may not. If you do ever find out your sexual orientation, it doesn’t mean that you were “faking” when you were questioning. Being questioning also doesn’t mean that, if you’re in a relationship, you do not love your partner. Sexual orientation, after all, has to do with what gender(s) you are generally attracted to, rather than the gender of your current partner – which may not have been relevant in why you fell in love with them.
I identify as questioning. I am aware that I possess some straight privilege due to being in an opposite-sex relationship, but I do encounter a lot of the stigma I described above when trying to come out as questioning. I have internalized some of this, but I am learning that, as I said, it’s totally fine not to know your sexual orientation.
I wish I could have read this post a few years ago when I was questioning. I didn’t know what my prefferences were and I thought I should be one particular thing. I hadn’t even heard of the term questioning in this ocntext.
I believe it is primarily the person, not their gender, for me. Labels get so tiring… I understand what you mean, though.
Thank you. This helped, a lot.
I’m not sure sexual orientation will remain as important as it is now in the next hundred years. We see a trend where multiple sexual relationships before marriage and/or without marriage become more and more the norm, at least in the Netherlands, for a significant part of society. At the same time the stigma on homosexuality is also fading. When the stigma wears of enough I wouldn’ t be surprised to find a lot more ‘bi-curiousity’. I’m not sure whether that is the right term, because people might find out that they prefer one sex but don’t mind being with the other sex, either for one night stands or more serious relationships. I see “questioning” as a liminal state from rigid stereotyped sexuality to a less culturally biased view on sexuality.
Thanks for this.
My sexuality is something that continuously confounds me and as someone who loves labels (though I believe that labels are fluid and self-determined) that can drive me crazy!
At heart I identify as pansexual and genderqueer but am straight and only mildly butch in presentation.
I am definitely attracted to women but definitely less than men and I constantly worry I am only attracted to women because of the culture of sexualising women paired with being brought up with queer culture (most of our family friends were lesbians).
I have a strange relationship with my femaleness and enjoy performing femininity in certain ways. But I don’t *feel* female; if I could have my uterus removed and push myself enough to become “unfemininely” muscular I would be much more comfortable in my body.
Anyway. My constant feeling that it’s not OK for me to be in a grey area, even though intellectually I think that’s A-OK, is intensely frustrating. So anything pointing out that it’s acceptable makes me happy.
Thank you again.