It’s still as bad as it always was – at least, on average. When I was first committed, most of the time I felt just plain numb, and there were a few moments when I felt really depressed and a very few when I felt relatively good. Now, there are more moments when I feel relatively good, but the moments that I feel really depressed have also increased – to the point that my suicidal thoughts are worse. One of the nurses today accused me of not taking the matter seriously, cause I often come across as if I get suicidal out of nowhere. Well, if you mean that I am not convinced that I want to die, you’re right. You can be pretty sure that if you have a patient committed to the psych ward after they threatened to kill themselves, or very often even if they made an attempt, they don’t really want to die. Someone who truly wants to die, isn’t going to inform anyone and will find a surefire way to kill themselves. For one thing, I am pretty well aware that there probably was a voice inside me saying that I didn’t want to die, when I cried while on the bus that I wanted to run in front of a train, because if I’d actually done so, there’d been only a 7% chance of survival – according to a fellow patient. In fact, I seem to remember saying this to the psychiatrist who spoke with me the night I was committed in Apeldoorn: it isn’t that I want to die, it’s that I don’t want my life anymore – and there apparently still was a voice in my mind saying these were two different things. Unfortunately, during the times when I’m really depressed, I often find it hard to see the difference.
Today, I had a relatively good discussion with the same nurse who accused me of not taking suicide seriously. I explained that it wasn’t that I want to die, but that I am stuck in a cycle of negative feelings and thoughts and worries and cannot get myself out, and have by now become tired of this cycle – I was exhausted nearly two months ago when I was committed already. And I used to think it was all because of the stress of living on my own and going to college – but I’ve been out of my house and out of school for nearly two months. The nurse said that being committed wouldn’t change my way of thinking. I agree, but how am I actually going to change that? I try to stop negative thoughts or worries, but cannot think of positive thoughts to replace them with, and I go to various therapies to distract myself, only to return to the ward again after a while because I cannot concentrate on therapy. I know pretty much about what should help someone who is feeling blue to feel better, but for some reason, it isn’t working.