Today, I feel extremely confused. Freaked out at school for the first time – well, the first time I really freaked out. Missed communication skills class. Don’t think I quite care. Wandered all over the third floor throughout the class. Hell, I didn’t know one could get lost on a single floor. Eventually, I ran into some folk who seems to be an instructor in my programme, too, though I don’t know her. She had me sit in her office and tried to find Elma. As she couldn’t find her, she tried to call training home. Renee of all people picked up the phone. We had my multidisciplinary discussion today (well, Renee, Arda and those folks did), and, while Renee hasn’t yet informed me of what’s come out of it, I could tell from how she acted that they’d settled for a new “we don’t care, it’s all her choice” paradigm. Or not so new, maybe just officially declaring the January 3 agreement. Indeed, she got into a “She has to say what she wants” litanny. Well, duh! Well, I want to do these freaking studies and I want to keep up at training home so I can move out in a normal way by the summer, but I’m not holding on in either setting as it’s going now. Those damned decisions won’t change that. If it is all my choice, why isn’t everything going well? Why in the world am I getting stuck? I ask that same question all the time. It’s why I have the freaking mental health place thingy tomorrow. Yet the thing is, while I don’t expect others to know the answers – I’m the most skeptical about the whole mental health thingy of all -, I at least don’t pretend I have them myself. The staff continuously do. On Saturday, as I freaked out sort of when Renee wanted me to have dinner at my own apartment on Tuesday for no apparent reason (she said being annoyed had nothing to do with it), it was that she was making “too many changes at once”. How much too many can be one? Or maybe two, as the mental health appointment is also unusual, but she had no problem changing plans as to who would be taking me there etc. today. And this afternoon, it’s again that I have to say what I want. I am so damn sick of those constantly changing paradigms! If you don’t know, say so and finally stop blaming me in constantly changing fashions. If you’ve decided you don’t care why I’m getting stuck but my way of getting stuck is unacceptable, say so and kick me out of here. It’s my behaviour and therefore, I’m at fault, but please stop those constantly altering attributions. *That* is too much change at once *and* it is not making decisions – on your part.
Elma eventually came round. As I tried to explain my confusion, all she said was that I had the capacity to do these studies (you mean the intelligence), but my type of college is oriented to group projects and my specific programme requires social competence that isn’t my strength. That for God’s sake wasn’t what I was saying. It wasn’t in the context of a communication skills project that Dannie was doubting my getting my freshman certificate and it wasn’t within the course of job field orientation assignments that my classmates were criticizing me – at least, not any more than they were criticizing each other. If it were, I could just not have cared – it at least wouldn’t have relevance to my life beyond academics. But it weren’t. It was all in the context of what is normally thought of as just part of school life. And I can’t hold on. Elma didn’t react and started asking about my assignments and tests and trying to sort of plan them. I didn’t understand much of what she said, but after a while and with both of us having class, we quit and I went to reporting (Dutch writing, boring!) class.
I tried to explain some of my difficulty to my classmates over dinner. I don’t know if I should have, but they asked and I was less stressed so got my thoughts more clearly. I just feel so stupid that, when I quit, I’m likely kicked out of here (oh uhm, “we’ll plan a date when you’ll leave”) and will have nowhere to live, but now that I cannot keep up, everyone is calling it “my choice”. By the way, no-one ever specified that I would be kicked out if I quit, but Arda always said in some dramatic voice that “it will certainly have consequences” and in fact this education was one of the conditions of my previous “last chance” agreement in early July. I just feel totally confused. I tried to show my understanding of the staff’s not caring, in explaining about the December 29 thing and the January 3 agreement, but just because I understand doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with. Hell, I don’t even know what is “extreme behaviour” as clarified in the agreement, even if, when describing thaat scene, it’s no surprise to me that everyone considers it extreme. I’ve now been acting curtly to staff members three times since January 3 and freaked out today at school. Wonder if I’m going to be kicked out. I feel terribly lonely and left out, but I know I shouldn’t as I myself supposedly chose to have it this way. Sure.
Freaked out again later when we were about to go to job field orientation. My classmates talked me into going to class and I at least didn’t freak out any more, though I didn’t learn a thing. I went to psychology cause so did Elles and Carmenchita. I don’t remember much from it except that I asked the folk about my grade. Elma had namely E-mailed me saying my exam had been found and I scored an eight, but my instructor, Koos, had no idea where the exam was so hadn’t seen it at all. I think he’s going to ask Elma.
It’s almost midnight. I guess I’m going to sleep – or trying to. Yesterday night, I only slept for about three/four hours for no particular reason at all. Hope it’s going to be better now, as tomorrow will be the appointment at the mental health thing. Annemarie will be taking me there instead of Renee cause she’ll be buying some school stuff for me as I have the discussion. I hope that if there is a paradigm saying communication is easier with no filling-in, it’ll prove to be true, and otherwise it’ll go well tomorrow anyway.