Yesterday, I was having a very difficult discussion with Elma, Dannie and Arda. It started out with the usual studying stuff and that not being too difficult and blahblahblah. Well, tell me something I didn’t know yet. Then it got down to the social side of it all. For some reason, I’ve been thinking forever that I was doing better there than at home or formerly in high school without realizing how this was not my achievement, but my classmates’ sense of responsibility and kindness. Even though I couldn’t think of something being better here than it was in high school, I really didn’t realize that what was better, was the fact that my classmates aren’t (yet) letting me down. Honestly, I remember this same thing having happened in the early days of seventh grade; the main “problem” was that it was over after only a few weeks. Not that I was criticized - that didn’t happen till two months into the school year during an officially scheduled discussion on the topic -, but I was simply left to whomever was “on duty” (remember the schedule we had for this) that particular day. We have no schedule for helping me get to unfamiliar places now, and it’s mostly come down to pretty much trhe same four or five people.
The thing is, I never initially asked them to walk this route with me. There’ve been a few times when I asked them to wait for me and walk with me, but the very first class day it was their initiative. This was in part complicated by the fact that I’d insulted Renee and she’d left, so I didn’t know about the situation, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have taken the initiative if it had been clear that I would have to get home by train, either. After a few times, it became more or less normal that the same three people were on the train with me: two girls from my group and one from another. I could’ve walked the route alone, I guess, and I would’ve done so after the psychology test if I’d been able to do it digitally and would most likely have needed some extra time. It never, for some reason, occurred to me that perhaps the girls were feeling it as their responsibility to make sure I would get home. I never, as far as I know, made it their duty like I used to way back in 1999, but Dannie assumed they were still feeling responsible for the situation cause I never clearly told them I either wanted help or could get home by myself. The thing is, really, I liked them travelling with me, but technically I can manage on my own. I’ve always been confused about the situation of being nice versus feeling obligated to help. I don’t want the latter, but greatly appreciate the former - though I’ve long realized that being nice can be a duty, too, as my sister’s often hanging out with me during lunch breaks in high school illustrates. I feel really troubled admitting to this feeling, cause in high school I resorted to withdrawal after I’d learnt all necessary routes and so didn’t need help anymore. I can ask strangers for the right classroom without freaking out now - or at least I think I can, or I should be able to -, so, really, I could use the same coping mechanism again. I could quit my studies cause a withdrawn girl doesn’t belong in a social environment like the AMA (my academy). Arda thinks it would have major impacts if I did, but I’m not sure why she thinks so, cause I’ll not be doing anything related to this anyway - they’re on “the list”, of course, but mostly to boost my ego - and I’ll be admitted to college/university based on my high school diploma anyway. I might be kicked out of here if I quit, but well, who cares? I’m only insulting staff and breaking their things in temper tantrums anyway. But I decided, at least for yesterday, to stay in the programme and I went to this new class called career psychology. That is really a stupid class and I have no idea what its use is. Besides, I’d missed half of the class already anyway.
We had job field orientation, too, and Dannie wanted to discuss the helping / unclarity / etc. thingy with my group. She gave a short introing thingy and I tried to add stuff, but got pretty much “locked up isnide” - though not as badly as I’d gotten earlier in the afternoon when she’d come up with the idea. I still don’t understand the situation quite a bit at all. I didn’t want to interpret the statement that I wasn’t clear about what I needed as meaning they weren’t willing to… well, whatever. Can’t get my thoughts clear on this. The whole discussion reminded me of that discussion we’d had in 1999 and it felt kind of annoying cause, at the time, just like yesterday, I really didn’t know what they wanted from me or how I could change. I still don’t. I know they want more clarity, but I’m not that good at imagining what they might or might not think of what I might or might not need. Michel, a guy in my class, gave the example when they pull me away from almost bumping into something. I told him to just let me bump into the thing, but apparently I wasn’t clear enough. I’m really not sure what we got at except that Carmenchita (one girl I travel home with) was kind of surprised about the highlighting of travelling. I got confused, cause apparently she and Elles didn’t mind travelling with me. I’m kind of scared to hope for this: that, while I told them yesterday that I will technically get home if you just leave me alone, they still don’t mind travelling with me. It feels kind of confusing: it’s the opposite of clarity and yet it has some positive connotations. I wonder where the line is between helping and just being nice, and whether you can ever really be just nice to me without feeling a duty to help. Carmenchita told me yesterday evening that we travel together cause it’s kind of logical if we all need to go the same way. Still, I feel kind of weird about this, but I decided to interpret it as something of being nice and hope she didn’t interpret it as something else. Man, this is confusing.
