Yesterday, we had our first communication skills class and I had my 10-minute discussion with Dannie, our tutor. Both got me thinking about what actually I’m doing in this programme. I like it and I find it really interesting, but what in the world does a person who appears to have about the worst communication skills to be imagined – at least, in the discussion with Dannie, cause I got completely “locked up inside” at some question about them -, do in this programme, even if she enrolled into it mostly out of interest in the subject matter and cause she doesn’t know what she wants to major in yet – so that a one-year programme was the most convenient? Maybe I’m really naive, thinking I could do this cause it interests me. Maybe I’m just immature. I like to think that my stupidity is relative compared to the other part-time students, all of whom are in their thirties, and that I would be relatively less stupid amongst other recent high school graduates in the full-time programme. I always hope this is the case, but I do know that, whether or not my difficulties are significant and whether or not they’re permanent, I still do have some communicative deficits.
I’m unwilling to conclude, after only four weeks, that I should quit right away and not even bother about completing this year, but in some ways I feel it’s my duty to cause I only bother my fellow students and I’ve by now made a fool of myself in front of the tutor twice. I feel I cannot stay in the programme and say: “Hey, I like this so I’m going to stay enrolled.” I feel I’m too much of a burden to think like that, and that’s why I keep hoping that this was only one experience and I’m not doing that badly after all. That’s the only thought that can keep those “You have to quit cause you are a burden to the other students and the tutor” and “You have to quit cause you aren’t fit for this anyway” voices (two different perspectives, for clarity’s sake) from getting their way. This may sound like some “You have to hold on” thing, and, in a way, it is – cause failing this education would likely lead to the irrational belief that no college education is appropriate for me (even though applied psychology is not the only education and Saxcion is not the only college/university) -, but in some ways, it’s really different, in that this isn’t a must (I hate the statement, made by Arda in early July, that an education was a must in order to progress at training home) but something I like, including communication skills and the other quite practical classes, like problem-cenbtred education / job field orientation (a class in which cases relevant to the fields graduates who started with this programme generally work in are discussed and dealt with). So there is the component of having to pass this cause it’s not even university and I should actually be too good for this and the whole thing, and there’s this part of having to pass it simply cause I enjoy it. And there are the people who tell me this is too low-level for me and the people who tell me I am not going to work in this field anyway, and the people who can’t stop making analogies of my education with my personal situation which really are stupid arguments (in fact, the fact that I’m a client of people who studied something you can study after this year, is actually a reason not to study this), and those people who actually don’t state their opinions besides that I should do what I want or something like that cause they either don’t really know me yet or they don’t want to judge me. And there are these classes like communication skills and job field orientation in which at least I don’t do much worse than the other students (I’m still probably “unconsciously incompetent”, as Dannie calls it) and a lot of situations in which I have quite nice discussions with people no matter what – an example about which I’m not sure it was even appropriate was my chatting with strangers at the line five bus stop after my first day of school (but I assume it was appropriate as they chatted back and themselves thought it was approriate to ask me all sorts of questions cause I’m blind) -, and these situations in which I get completely “locked up inside”, of which I’ve had two while at school now, both in front of Dannie and one in front of my whole group. And there is, obviously, psychology class – the only solely theoretical class we got this quarter -, which I just plain like and seem to get along with quite well. So what do I do? Just plain go back to school next Monday, I guess, and do a nice little interview with someone about their job for communication skills class and do a good interview with an elementary school teacher (I already made the appointment) about problem behaviour in the classroom for job field orientation and study chapter six of my psychology book and get my communication skills book and get it scanned cause we’ll indeed need it, even though I seemed to have heard we wouldn’t need to. And hope people don’t think all the things about me I think they do think about me.