Still no reaction from the Saxion college disability services folk – annoying, cause we’d hoped we could speak with him/her shortly. Not that I place much importance on this person’s involvement, but I know everyone else does. I’ve long realized that, within this timeframe, there is no point in accommodating for my disability other than just scanning the books myself and, hence, hoping I can teach myself OCR and get the work done in time. No need to have a disability services officer tell me that the library for the blind can’t scan my books in time and have a director of studies for the applied psychology thing (who was, by the way, rather prejudiced anyway) conclude, subsequently, that I cannot do this, while I can make it work myself, or at least, I hope I can.
Way back in early 2005 when I was trying to decide whether to go to college or not, I would always say that there was this part of mine who just wanted to go to college and sit in class, not caring to make accommodations. There was this other part who felt the whole thing was impossible, and, finally, there was the part that wanted to go to rehab and the part, actually an outside voice, that wanted to make nice arrangements for college. This part is nonexistent now cause of timing, but the “go and just sit in class” part and the “not possible at all” part are still there. And there’s another thing: I know that college is, now, not about just holding on – I wasn’t planning on starting college till next year in the first place -, but about the practical thing of learning to combine housekeeping and all with my education and the thing that it will most likely allow me to realize that it is possible. This is not something I rationally doubt, but I still can’t shake off the feeling that I’m “too dumb for this”. (I don’t mean intellectually impaired, but intelligence is supposedly the only thing defining me, so if I can’t do something I must be “dumb”.)
There is a concept going on in my mind that I’ve been understanding in some way for a while, but that hasn’t become clear in normal language to me till a few days ago, and that’s the fact that I can at once really enjoy this college thing and be extremely afraid of it. It’s a really new experience to me, cause with university in 2005 or 2006, I was scared, but I did not at all like it. I remember that remark by my former high school tutor in 2004 or 2005, comparing college to his holiday in Indonesia. At that time, I didn’t think there was any reason to compare the two, but the comparison does work now: it’s very frightening, but it’s still very enjoyable. The only difference is, that it’s quite likely I can’t start on this “adventure” in the first place cause the disability services officer is going to tell me the thing I already know: that the library can’t scan my books.
I felt kind of weird, that evening on August 4, when I at once cheered at the applied psychology thing, and told Arda not even to bother with applying cause it wouldn’t work out anyway. It won’t, and if the folks will let me, I may not be able to cope, but it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it. Does it mean I shouldn’t try?
There’ve been many times when I’ve been doing something that I was really afraid of, but in the very vast majority, I felt that doing the thing was my duty to prove that, as a blind person, or as an intelligent person, or whatever, I could do the stated thing. We all know those “positive” philosophies of blindness that to me feel more like a duty to prove that I’m capable than an explanation of how most things you enjoy are possible even if you’re blind or whatever. Achieving has, at least over the past very long while, always felt like a duty, to the point where I’ve felt an inclination to rebel against every suggestion that something related to it – like knowledge – was enjoyable. Knowledge is university is that scary thing my parents say I have to go to is not enjoyable by definition. Screwed logic. But this knew college thingy is interesting (so enjoyable), frightening to start trying to get into (so scary) and, in a way, a duty, too. I find this really hard to understand. Wonder how I’m going to react to whatever development is next.