Computer and Book Scanning News and Musings on Family Relations

Today, I bought a new computer. My father had sent me an offer for a laptop he thought was good and offered to lend me some money so I’d have enough in my check account to pay the computer now – I will pay him back when the money from my savings account has been transferred on either Tuesday or Wednesday. I think the computer will be delivered on Wednesday. Hope there will be enough time for my father to at least install JAWS before my classes start.

With regard to this, I feel rather strange about how I’m treating my parents. It’s like my father is acting like my personal system manager, which he isn’t of course, while each time I plan on visiting my family for fun, something comes in the way: first, it was my confused state last week and having cut off my hair, then I was still too confused over the week-end to visit, then my mother hurt me on Tuesday with her non-stop nagging about Nijmegen and bashing of my chosen college programme for this year, so I didn’t feel like visiting on Tuesday or Wednesday. I was too busy making college arrangements to visit on Thursday and was majorly confused again on Friday. I’m not even sure if my parents truly want me to visit, but in any case, I assume they don’t want me to have contact with them only to do things for me. It’s not my intention, but I can wholly imagine how it’s coming across that way. I don’t want this, but how do I get over it? I mean, part of me doesn’t even want to have anything to do with my parents anyway, but I know this is irrational and disrespectful. I knew, in June and July, that, just because I majorly disagreed with my parents on some issues, didn’t mean I could ignore them. They’re still my family and they’ll always remain my family. Heck, I was still living with them just over half a year ago. But things are different now, or at least, feel different. I found classes that I’m really interested in and that take enough time out of my schedule to follow to pursue the goal of learning to combine education with housekeeping etc. and I decided to enroll in the programme, that is this controversial mean between applauded-by-my-parents Nijmegen and an adult continuing education course at the community college. It is college, but it is not university, and it is part-time (even though the definition only seems to be that you’ll have to do most of your studies at home), not full-time. It is, according to most people, at my level – or at least within the acceptable margins of “my level” -, but not according to my parents, because they only accept university. Yet at the same time, they were eager to send me advertisements of community college language courses. So what’s the *real* problem: college vs. university or the fact that it’s not in a field of interest of theirs? I think it’s a little of both, and it makes me feel kind of weird: if this doesn’t work out, I’m sure my parents will bash at me much more than they would had I been going to Radboud – in fact, they will probably expect me to excel even if I don’t get my resources working nicely cause this is supposedly below my level -, and I will probably feel like a total failure, and if it does work out, why didn’t I go to Radboud? I really don’t have any solid reasons.

Yet at the same time that my parents don’t let an opportunity go by to tell me how Radboud is much better than this and how this is so not interesting, my father is helping me buy a new computer. It’s not solely because of college that I want a new computer, of course – I truly hate having to use the public computer all the time -, but the reason I’m in a hurry to buy it – and currently the only reason why I “need” a computer (cause, no matter how digitalized I am, I still don’t believe a computer is a necessity for most things), is college. And, of course, how can I depend on my father for one thing while being in an argument with him or my mother over another? It feels so opportunistic and I really can’t handle it. Yesterday, I was trying to call my father to ask something for the computer thingy, but he was out shopping for groceries, so I tried to chat with my mother and sister because I felt I was egoistic if I only called for the computer. My mother started out the conversation asking if I was planning on visiting and that I shouldn’t argue. Well, if you want an argument, say that. The conversation with my sister went better – she just returned from holiday on Friday, so I could ask her about it -, but in my attempts at making college sound acceptable to her, I came across as if I didn’t like the programme and it led to some arguing. It all makes me feel kind of confused: they used to want me to share with them – and I understand it, cause they’re not there only to solve my computer problems etc. -, and now that I do, I can’t say anything without getting in an argument. Probably it’s partly my sensitivity, but if they want me to keep informing them about what I’m doing, why can’t they stop bashing everything they don’t like? Makes me feel rather strange.

I also got the scanner working today. I have this book I don’t intend on reading but that’s the only book in my house at this moment, so I use it as my test case. I got about ten pages scanned the first time working nicely, but the second time, when I scanned 37 pages, it turned out I had the book upside-down so I scanned the last 37 pages in reverse order instead of the first (the text was readable cause the scanner automatically detects the page position). I think I need a way to label the front cover of my textbooks. I, by hte way, also managed to scan two pages at once, which I’d not accomplsihed the last time I tried on Friday. Sigrid was rather skeptical about my scanning abilities yesterday and told me to send my books to the library for the blind (which I may be doing with the books I’ll need the second, third and fourth quarter, but for the first there’s too little time), but, although sitting next to this scanner (under the computer desk) to turn pages quickly enough is not a comfortable position, I must say I’m rather proud of myself that I got the thing working at least acceptably. Now of course keep your fingers crossed that scanning textbooks will be as easy.

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Adventures on a Random Bus Ride

I was, and still am, rather confused again today. College is in one way getting somewhere in that I won’t be rejected, but all the stuff that has to be arranged is getting nowhere. I was trying to buy a new computer today. Turns out the model I wanted is unavailable. When I called my father to ask about a model the dealer was trying to sell me, my father was like: “Why in the world are you so hurried now?” Well, what do you think? College will be starting in a few weeks. But he doesn’t care anyway.

In the evening, I was so confused I felt like just running away and whatever. When Henriëtte left at 8:40, she didn’t want me to leave the house to wander, but I decided on catching the bus at 9:00 PM and transferring randomly at the station to ride another bus’ entire route back to teh station. You know, I have this fascination with bus stops and I’ve always wanted to get to know the Apeldoorn bus network. So I caught line five and drove to the station. The voice system announcing stops was off, so I was afraid they never had it on in the evenings. At the station, I actually wanted to get onto some bus I’d never been on like line seven, but I ended up on line three to Apenheul (the opposite direction from my parents), cause that was the only unfamiliar direction I remembered when someone asked me what bus I needed. It’s really weird, but I don’t remember a stop called “Apenheul” and not even a stop the system tells you to get off if you want to go to Apenheul, like you do have a bus stop called Lippe-Biesterfeldstraat where the system will announce that you will have to go off to go to the rehab centre. How weird!

I planned on getting off again at the station, but while on the way I figured that, should the bus driver ask something like wehther I’d caught the right bus before then, I would get off at Kanaalstraat, which is the last stop before the station but only one way, ie. you won’t come across the stop just acfter leaving the station, so it’s an acceptable excuse to ride out the entire route (almost). I’d walk to Hoofdstraat then to catch another bus. But I, still being in a confused state, didn’t know whether I’d remember the route and walk it safely (it was a route I used to walk when returning from fitness, but I never really managed it). Furthermore, the bus driver did not comment on my riding out the entire cycle, so I got off at the station. I wanted to catch line seven now, but someone asked me what bus I needed to get onto again (I have no idea what direction line seven goes), and the line three driver jumped in saying I’d ridden his entire route, so I just said I had to get onto line five to Woudhuis (the bus home). “Are you sure you want to go to Woudhuis now?” the line three folk asked. No, I wasn’t, but I was confused enough not to know any alternative and rational enough to know that Woudhuis was home. I got onto line five and off at the bus stop near my home, wanted to wander but didn’t cause I feared the police would be called on me and I didn’t have my passport with me (required by law), so I just walked home. I tried to watch some TV (well, I did, but I tried to relax while doing so) and, when I thought I could think clealry again, tried to E-mail the computer vendor, but failed cause my computer, obviously, is still having problems. (My father, by the way, doesn’t believe there’s something really irreversably wrong, but I think he can have mine and just experiment.) Now I guess I will try to get some sleep.

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Lots of College News and Thoughts

Lots of college news and it all makes me feel rather confused. In other words, I don’t know whether I need to be excited or frightened, and the excitement frightens me. I discussed it on Tuesdqay already and I think it is quite a difficult-to-grasp concept to me, cause, whenever I allow myself to be excited cause I might be sitting in class in a really interesting college programme in two weeks, there are so many things telling me that it either won’t work out or isn’t the right thing to do.

Turns out the folk who called last week has some connection to Saxion I don’t understand (possibly she is involved with disabled students, but her prejudice didn’t suggest it) and the person coordinating the part-time applied psychology thing E-mailed me on Wednesday, basically saying she was all fine with my enrolling in the programme. We (Arda and I) will be speaking with her on Monday when we visit college for an info thing.

At the same time, it all still means I’ll have to scan my own books. Turns out there are seven books I’ll need the first quarter, which isn’t much but is a lot of scanning effort. I will be using the public computer here cause my own computer is having problems. I fortunately did find a computer dealer here in Apeldoorn who might be able to sell me a new computer my father recommended – I will be calling him today and hope to be able to pick up the computer on Monday.

I will also have to pick up my diploma and list of grades at my parents’ today, cause of course I’ll need it for the application process. My parents, unfortunately, don’t like this thing at all, probably partly cause they don’t like the subject (but can I have my own interests, please?) and partly cause this college isn’t university. (In the Netherlands, certain college programmes are offered by what in a literal translation would be “higher vocational education” and others are university; Radboud is university and Saxion is not, even though it uses the word “university” in its English name.) Last night, I had a nightmare in which my father destroyed my diploma and grades list cause he thought that if I didn’t go to Radboud, there was no point in doing any education whatsoever. Fortunately, I know he won’t do this.

In short, I have some hope that it will all at least work out so I can start classes by either September 4 (most likely) or September 11, but it all really scares me and there is this voice inside my head telling me that, if this works out, I shoul’ve gone to Radboud cause I’m an intellectual and it’s my duty to prove that I can go to university. Well, you know the whole thing. Why in the world is it that, each time I enjoy something, there seems to be something wrong with it? And why is it that everyone else seems to be doing what whoever decides it, likes? And why on Earth can’t people stop thinking in black and white, believing that not going to Radboud (and majoring in something my mother is interested in, cause she categorically excluded everything she knows I like but she doesn’t) in 2006 is the same as remaining on disability for the rest of your life? Hmmm, there must be some black-and-white thinking gene, I guess.

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No News from College, But Some Thoughts

Still no reaction from the Saxion college disability services folk – annoying, cause we’d hoped we could speak with him/her shortly. Not that I place much importance on this person’s involvement, but I know everyone else does. I’ve long realized that, within this timeframe, there is no point in accommodating for my disability other than just scanning the books myself and, hence, hoping I can teach myself OCR and get the work done in time. No need to have a disability services officer tell me that the library for the blind can’t scan my books in time and have a director of studies for the applied psychology thing (who was, by the way, rather prejudiced anyway) conclude, subsequently, that I cannot do this, while I can make it work myself, or at least, I hope I can.

Way back in early 2005 when I was trying to decide whether to go to college or not, I would always say that there was this part of mine who just wanted to go to college and sit in class, not caring to make accommodations. There was this other part who felt the whole thing was impossible, and, finally, there was the part that wanted to go to rehab and the part, actually an outside voice, that wanted to make nice arrangements for college. This part is nonexistent now cause of timing, but the “go and just sit in class” part and the “not possible at all” part are still there. And there’s another thing: I know that college is, now, not about just holding on – I wasn’t planning on starting college till next year in the first place -, but about the practical thing of learning to combine housekeeping and all with my education and the thing that it will most likely allow me to realize that it is possible. This is not something I rationally doubt, but I still can’t shake off the feeling that I’m “too dumb for this”. (I don’t mean intellectually impaired, but intelligence is supposedly the only thing defining me, so if I can’t do something I must be “dumb”.)

There is a concept going on in my mind that I’ve been understanding in some way for a while, but that hasn’t become clear in normal language to me till a few days ago, and that’s the fact that I can at once really enjoy this college thing and be extremely afraid of it. It’s a really new experience to me, cause with university in 2005 or 2006, I was scared, but I did not at all like it. I remember that remark by my former high school tutor in 2004 or 2005, comparing college to his holiday in Indonesia. At that time, I didn’t think there was any reason to compare the two, but the comparison does work now: it’s very frightening, but it’s still very enjoyable. The only difference is, that it’s quite likely I can’t start on this “adventure” in the first place cause the disability services officer is going to tell me the thing I already know: that the library can’t scan my books.

I felt kind of weird, that evening on August 4, when I at once cheered at the applied psychology thing, and told Arda not even to bother with applying cause it wouldn’t work out anyway. It won’t, and if the folks will let me, I may not be able to cope, but it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it. Does it mean I shouldn’t try?

There’ve been many times when I’ve been doing something that I was really afraid of, but in the very vast majority, I felt that doing the thing was my duty to prove that, as a blind person, or as an intelligent person, or whatever, I could do the stated thing. We all know those “positive” philosophies of blindness that to me feel more like a duty to prove that I’m capable than an explanation of how most things you enjoy are possible even if you’re blind or whatever. Achieving has, at least over the past very long while, always felt like a duty, to the point where I’ve felt an inclination to rebel against every suggestion that something related to it – like knowledge – was enjoyable. Knowledge is university is that scary thing my parents say I have to go to is not enjoyable by definition. Screwed logic. But this knew college thingy is interesting (so enjoyable), frightening to start trying to get into (so scary) and, in a way, a duty, too. I find this really hard to understand. Wonder how I’m going to react to whatever development is next.

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One Year in the Disability Service System Today

Today, I’ve been abusing the disability service system for exactly one year – or so it feels. In other words, it’s exactly one year ago that I started at rehab. This whole year seems to have had an “am I getting better or am I getting worse” connotation, and everyone probably has different opinions on that.

I already had this feeling in my first or second week at rehab, when I was trying to come to grips with the idea that I supposedly was “further” than all the other students cause I was congenitally blind, yet at the same time, I had Menno (the former student at my high school) tell me about table manners when my mother expected me to help him with Braille learning – which I’d have eagerly done if he’d asked me.

I remember the model of adjustment to disability I learnt about in September. It helped me in two ways: firstly, it was written with congenitally disabled people in mind, and secondly, it made clear that putting non-disabled values into perspective did not necessarily mean abandoning them. In other words, just because I had to ask where bus three would stop at the dynamic bus station, didn’t mean I couldn’t use public transportation. It may sound silly, but, as you know, it became one of my major accomplishments at rehab.

The other, of course, was equally controversial: the “realism” about my visual impairment. This didn’t become fully-rounded till sometime in February when I’d started to acknowledge the practical implications of my blindness – something you can’t truly learn in CPH training with theoretical cases. I’ve meanwhile returned to my old approach to my blindness (the one from before my vision loss of 2004), but I don’t pretend there are no further adjustments to be made when my vision changes again or something like that.

Realism got a much broader meaning by March, 2006, when it became the main point in my fourteen-item list detailing my current situation: I didn’t know what was realistic and I didn’t know whether I’d know by September. I wonder if, within ten days, some magic will be done. If not, I still don’t know. In fact, I’m worse now than where I thought I’d be by now last March.

I’ve always wondered, since realism became something more than to be able to transfer buses at Apeldoorn station or to know the medical details of my visual impairment: what is realistic for me, and is this truly “putting non-disabled values into perspective”, or am I abandoning them, or is it not about disability at all? I didn’t like people’s remarks, mostly in my early weeks here in training, about how I supposedly don’t accept blindness. I accept the technical details of my visual impairment as they are – ie. the fact that I have light perception only and am, hence, functionally blind. The contexts, however, in which people have used my accepting or not accepting blindness or any other characteristic of mine (but it’s easiest to say blindness cause that’s what most people agree to has to be “accepted” or “adjusted to”), is always related to some paradigm they hold about what that characteristic implies, and my unwillingness to conform to that paradigm. Well, I am extremely reluctant to conform to *any* specific paradigm about what any or all of my characteristics do or do not imply, and sure, I have a negative self-concept, but I don’t think there’s a reason why I should conform to what the people here, or my parents, or my sister, or whoever say in order to change it, and if so, to which.

I think there are people out there who assume my rather negative state at this moment is due to my having been involved with the disability service system too much. My first inclination is to disagree: I firstly, was not in a positive situation in 2005, either, and secondly, why would it specifically be the situation here that is wrong, and not any other? I remember those remarks made by my parents about my having been “indoctrinated” into making decisions they disagree with, and I’m honest: very few decisions I made, are 100% mine, but wouldn’t they be my parents’, if I made the decisions they want me to make? I’m confused about this again, and I can’t keep from connecting all of this: I’ve been in the disability service system for a year, if I don’t majorly screw up or CIZ (agency that determines who gets services) is going to nag, it might become two years, I’ve practically learnt a lot but not enough according to everyone’s standards, but people would most likely only see the fact that I’ve altered my plans and am not yet in Nijmegen. Maybe I’m indeed just wasting state money by hanging around here. I don’t know.

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Confused Ramblings

1. My computer, that has been having major troubles already for a few weeks, seems to have definitely kicked the bucket – now my father can’t fix it. Hence, I’m on the public computer here at training home so won’t be on any of my usual support forums much cause I don’t want people to find out I frequent them.

2. Personally, I’m doing pretty badly. Lots of confusion..not even sure why. I was so bad last Thursday that Arda called my parents cause she was afraid she couldn’t leave me alone in this state. Of course the parents reassured her she could and made some pretty nasty remarks to me on Friday and Saturday when I called them (I would’ve visited them on Friday but didn’t).

3. I cut off part of my hair (I have really long hair) on Thursday so had to go to the hairdresser. Now I have short (others say half-long but too short for me) hair and I hate it.

4. That college thingy I wrote about a few weeks ago is getting nowhere I guess. The director of studies called on Thursday and was really surprised that a blind person could even go to college. Well I can. She said the issue with getting my books in an accessible format is the thing that will make or break the whole plan. I also remembered yesterday that I would have to apply at something called IBG (a centralised agency that processes college applications) and haven’t yet. All the other class/course options are getting nowhere too cause on Saturday the 26th there’s this course info market but I can’t go. Hope college will be working out or, if not, I can figure out other things.

5. I realize I’ve not stuck to any of the things I said I’d do on July 6 when I was last in a bad state (and behaving better than I do now), so maybe I should go away. No-one seems to be kicking me out now, while they seemed to be on the edge of doing so back then, and conscience says I should leave on my own initiative, but I don’t know where and am too confused to think.

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An Allegedly Very Productive Evening and Thoughts about a Possible College Education for the Coming Autumn

According to Arda, we’ve been really productive tonight, cause we’ve written my re-indication request (the thing to ask for me to stay here for another year), crafted my “care plan” (I don’t need to be cared for, but that’s what it’s called), and have been looking for courses. We found a few interesting courses at the community college in Apeldoorn and Deventer and a great part-time college foundation (freshman year) in applied psychology at Saxion (college) in Deventer, but I thought one couldn’t arrange this. Arda, impulsively, thought we could and sent an E-mail to the college. I’m sure I will be truly embarrassed on Monday when I get to hear you really can’t do this, in three weeks: a college education when you’re blind. Arda came up with her son who’d decided just now what city he was going to do his studies in and with another former client here who went to university, but this is a combination of both. I can go to university eventually, but not with three weeks preparation time, and I might be able to arrange for community college courses in three weeks, but not for college. Arda and I agree that this would be a good education: interesting (at least for me), at my level and with enough time spent studying to learn to combine housekeeping and studying. But I really have the feeling that this can’t be arranged and that such a director of studies or whatever will truly be frightened. Of course it would be great if it could be arranged, but I really don’t think so and I feel I ought to be ashamed: who do I think I am, believing I can arrange for college without taking into account my disability? Last year, it was one reason to delay college, but Arda says it’s different now cause I’m living at training home and she also said something about it being part-time. I don’t know what that has to do with it. Hmmm, I just think Arda is weird and she appears to find it funny. I don’t.

An even bigger stupidity of mine is, that I’ve known about these studies for about six weeks already, but didn’t do anything with it cause, firstly, I thought one couldn’t arrange this, and, secondly, I thought everyone would find it strange that I was interested in this. My parents hate it, at least. Arda thinks I shouldn’t be studying for them, but for myself. Sure.

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