Today, I bought a new computer. My father had sent me an offer for a laptop he thought was good and offered to lend me some money so I’d have enough in my check account to pay the computer now – I will pay him back when the money from my savings account has been transferred on either Tuesday or Wednesday. I think the computer will be delivered on Wednesday. Hope there will be enough time for my father to at least install JAWS before my classes start.
With regard to this, I feel rather strange about how I’m treating my parents. It’s like my father is acting like my personal system manager, which he isn’t of course, while each time I plan on visiting my family for fun, something comes in the way: first, it was my confused state last week and having cut off my hair, then I was still too confused over the week-end to visit, then my mother hurt me on Tuesday with her non-stop nagging about Nijmegen and bashing of my chosen college programme for this year, so I didn’t feel like visiting on Tuesday or Wednesday. I was too busy making college arrangements to visit on Thursday and was majorly confused again on Friday. I’m not even sure if my parents truly want me to visit, but in any case, I assume they don’t want me to have contact with them only to do things for me. It’s not my intention, but I can wholly imagine how it’s coming across that way. I don’t want this, but how do I get over it? I mean, part of me doesn’t even want to have anything to do with my parents anyway, but I know this is irrational and disrespectful. I knew, in June and July, that, just because I majorly disagreed with my parents on some issues, didn’t mean I could ignore them. They’re still my family and they’ll always remain my family. Heck, I was still living with them just over half a year ago. But things are different now, or at least, feel different. I found classes that I’m really interested in and that take enough time out of my schedule to follow to pursue the goal of learning to combine education with housekeeping etc. and I decided to enroll in the programme, that is this controversial mean between applauded-by-my-parents Nijmegen and an adult continuing education course at the community college. It is college, but it is not university, and it is part-time (even though the definition only seems to be that you’ll have to do most of your studies at home), not full-time. It is, according to most people, at my level – or at least within the acceptable margins of “my level” -, but not according to my parents, because they only accept university. Yet at the same time, they were eager to send me advertisements of community college language courses. So what’s the *real* problem: college vs. university or the fact that it’s not in a field of interest of theirs? I think it’s a little of both, and it makes me feel kind of weird: if this doesn’t work out, I’m sure my parents will bash at me much more than they would had I been going to Radboud – in fact, they will probably expect me to excel even if I don’t get my resources working nicely cause this is supposedly below my level -, and I will probably feel like a total failure, and if it does work out, why didn’t I go to Radboud? I really don’t have any solid reasons.
Yet at the same time that my parents don’t let an opportunity go by to tell me how Radboud is much better than this and how this is so not interesting, my father is helping me buy a new computer. It’s not solely because of college that I want a new computer, of course – I truly hate having to use the public computer all the time -, but the reason I’m in a hurry to buy it – and currently the only reason why I “need” a computer (cause, no matter how digitalized I am, I still don’t believe a computer is a necessity for most things), is college. And, of course, how can I depend on my father for one thing while being in an argument with him or my mother over another? It feels so opportunistic and I really can’t handle it. Yesterday, I was trying to call my father to ask something for the computer thingy, but he was out shopping for groceries, so I tried to chat with my mother and sister because I felt I was egoistic if I only called for the computer. My mother started out the conversation asking if I was planning on visiting and that I shouldn’t argue. Well, if you want an argument, say that. The conversation with my sister went better – she just returned from holiday on Friday, so I could ask her about it -, but in my attempts at making college sound acceptable to her, I came across as if I didn’t like the programme and it led to some arguing. It all makes me feel kind of confused: they used to want me to share with them – and I understand it, cause they’re not there only to solve my computer problems etc. -, and now that I do, I can’t say anything without getting in an argument. Probably it’s partly my sensitivity, but if they want me to keep informing them about what I’m doing, why can’t they stop bashing everything they don’t like? Makes me feel rather strange.
I also got the scanner working today. I have this book I don’t intend on reading but that’s the only book in my house at this moment, so I use it as my test case. I got about ten pages scanned the first time working nicely, but the second time, when I scanned 37 pages, it turned out I had the book upside-down so I scanned the last 37 pages in reverse order instead of the first (the text was readable cause the scanner automatically detects the page position). I think I need a way to label the front cover of my textbooks. I, by hte way, also managed to scan two pages at once, which I’d not accomplsihed the last time I tried on Friday. Sigrid was rather skeptical about my scanning abilities yesterday and told me to send my books to the library for the blind (which I may be doing with the books I’ll need the second, third and fourth quarter, but for the first there’s too little time), but, although sitting next to this scanner (under the computer desk) to turn pages quickly enough is not a comfortable position, I must say I’m rather proud of myself that I got the thing working at least acceptably. Now of course keep your fingers crossed that scanning textbooks will be as easy.