I’m feeling terribly frustrated by my situation at rehab. I’m thirteen weeks through my programme and my parents and Sigrid say I’ve learnt nothing - while when we had open house, they said I had. But yeah, that was to my counsellor, and my Dad appears to be a champion at hiding his feelings, as the final discussion in the evals week illustrates: he didn’t want me to go to rehab till after that discussion, but at the discussion he said he was totally fine with it. I should never have believed my parents’ statements. And maybe I should’ve signalled my situation going downhil back in the seventh week, when we started with the table for four and I found myself asking the other students on it in what week they were: the third and fourth week, respectively, and it made me feel bad cause I felt I was equally unaccomplished to them. In my ninth week, I told my counsellor about my “mid-rehab blues” but cause I know about high expectations of myself - perhaps too high for this traditoinal centre - and I also know my self-confidence could have a boost, I said it could be cause of so many reasons. “It goes well,” was my counsellor’s conclusion at the end of the talk. I didn’t fully agree but was reassured by the positive comments he’d gotten from rehab workers. Now I’m in my thirteenth week - or actually, I’ve finished it. Two weeks ago, I expressed my serious concern about occupational therapy and mobility. The counsellor asked me if I had enough mobility training, and I said I didn’t know, and he answered my OT concerns with something that included the word “Boomgaard”. Then in my twelfth and thirteenth week, aka this week and the last one, I found myself addressing issues that had been addressed in my evals week or admission interview but had not been important till now. One of them is the “locked up inside” issue. I talked about it with Monika (the trainer from assertiveness and communication) last Tuesday. What she explained, from her specific paradigm, made sense, but I’m not sure if I can change and how to accomplish it. But I suspect the table manners thing is similar. Part of this was and is embarrassment with my situation. I experienced it in my evals week just as well, and when I truly think that addressing an issue can help me, I’m more comfortable with it than I was then, but the table manners thing or the communication difficulties were things I doubted it about - and about the latter, I am still skeptical, never minding that it used to be the very paradigm we came up to the centre with.
Another thing is that I’ve from the beginning on probably progressed more slowly than the average student. At least, that’s how it seems. I don’t know if I should’ve signalled it before, cause I don’t know if it’s accurate. After all, in some subjects I see myself doing the same things as other students who are also in their thirteenth week. Occupational therapy is among them: a guy who is also about thirteen weeks through the programme is mostly doing the same cooking I do. I don’t know about housekeeping. I’m just not sure, and I’m not even sure what progress I expected. I was happy that I called the uni in September and that I applied for housing as soon as possible. I’m doing what I can to make sure I can start college in September and get into the dorm as soon as possible. My parents expect more. They said something along the lines of my not being self-confident. I don’t know what they judge that from, since they’re the ones that say I can’t live on my own, not me. Of course I’m not sure what it will be like, but that’s not going to keep me from doing it. By September, at least, but that’s also cause I didn’t get to know that I would be finished by December 22 till August, so that making arrangements so that I could start college in January was (almost) impossible. Dad asked me why I didn’t go there after rehab yesterday evening. I replied that I wouldn’t have my books, wouldn’t have the adaptations arranged, etc. He said I should’ve done this before. Even if I had felt that I could do it upon starting rehab in August - I didn’t, at the time -, college was closed till early September and I wouldn’t have my books on time if I got a list by then.
And at the same time, they say I ain’t able to start college or to live on my own. The reasons they use are as vague as the ones they used last year in at once endorsing and condemning rehab: something with self-confidence, something with not thinking I have the daily living skills (just cause they haven’t seen me do them, cause they keep wanting to help), and something with social skills that we all know isn’t going to get better anyway. Do I truly give up on my social skills? Yes, I think I do, since Sigrid just said that I’ve only become more anti-social over the last so many years, while I’ve done more my best over the past three years or so than ever before, and am desperate as to what I could do about these difficulties of mine. If my parents think that all I’ve tried so far hasn’t helped, then what will? “You just have to try your best,” Mum and Sigrid both said, and I felt like crying. I’ve done my f*cking best for years and I still do, only they don’t notice, apparently. Is doing your best always a guarantee for progress? Apparently. By the way, when I told Mum I’d tried my best but didn’t know what else to do, she said she didn’t know either and I should see a [can't remember not-well-respected relief worker's title].
It all sounds scarily similar to last year, only now I’m more certain that I can accomplish my plans than my parents are, while then it was the other way round. I do have my worries, but they’re about things no “Boomgaard” can help me with. I know I will encounter the same social interaction difficulties at uni that I encountered at high school. Sigrid says I’ve only become worse at that. I know more assertiveness will be expected of me then than I’ve ever utilized. I know these have always been difficult, and are still, but I feel I have made progress at least as far as making sure my studies are accommodated for goes. A “Van O.” issue won’t occur to me anymore. Interaction with fellow students will remain difficult, but I’m also sure that part of that is a simple “dorkness”, ie. inability and lack of interest in the social conventions of college student culture. I could’ve utilized all social skills on the list given to me by Mr. De B. in late 2002, and it would’ve helped enhance my contact with classmates in that they would despise me less, but I would still feel equally lonely. It’s how Sigrid judges sociability: she says she isn’t social cause she has no friends. I don’t agree: I’m sure that there are very few college students I’ll befriend even if I am going to practise all my social skills perfectly, simply cause I don’t belong to the clique cause of very different interests. I think at high school that’s not much different than at college. Now for me there’s also the part that social skills *are* difficult, but I do think I’ve improved in those areas, like refusing help appropriately, asking for assistance, etc. My parents and Sigrid form an exception, I’m willing to admit, and I’m sure that’s pretty much my problem, but it’s not in a lack of skill. It could still use some significant improvement - I had a bad experience asking for assistance last Wednesday in mobility class again - but I’m farther than I used to be.
But is it about making progress? It is one of the worst mistakes parents and teachers can make in judging how well a disabled student - and I think it applies to non-disabled students as well - is doing in school: using progress as the measure. Progress isn’t SMART. By comparing my situation to last year’s, I can be optimistic cause last year I did horribly. But isn’t it good that I think I’m going to do the things I planned to, like go to college and live on my own? I’m in fact looking forward to it. Last year my parents thought that with effort, I would accomplish these things, and now they say that I won’t cause my fellow students can mirror each other. It’s confusing: last year I had no skills and my parents thought I could make it, and now I have some very useful skills and my parents think I won’t. Who said something about self-confidence? I’m confused.
I’m going to tell my counsellor about this situation next week. I’d resolved to already today, by making lists of what I still wanted to do in the various classes so that it would be more clear - cause yesterday I spoke with the occupational therapist’s trainee, who is now training me instead of the OT, and he said he didn’t know much else to practise, while I do -, so that we could be more realistic about whether it’s actually going well, but I think that some of what I’ve written here is just as important to at least consider. I’ve also resolved to call Ellen, the occupational therapist, on Monday, to ask her if she has time for me so I can talk to her about “De Boomgaard”, or if she’ll attend my OT on Wednesday or Thursday, cause I just want to have some things clear.
