I am feeling pretty weird. I have a lot going on in my mind and I so want to detach from it all. I slept for thirteen hours last night and still wanted to sleep, but couldn’t anymore. Lots of next year stuff going on again, and that, while it’s a mess inside my mind already beside that. I think nothing is coming out of the university stuff and I don’t care, or don’t want to care. Mum made some stupid remarks about going for a “daily living skills course” at the rehab centre this summer. If they had one, I’d definitely go. She thinks the summer programme I attended last summer would teach me to do all those stupid things. I namely said I was looking for a volunteer job for a few days a week during the summer. Mum apparently doesn’t care. Still not heard from Jan about the university folk. The student counsellor circulated yet another future planning form last week, but I didn’t take any effort to fill it out. She hasn’t E-mailed it or given it on a floppy disk to me, so I don’t care one bit. I want to get out of all this stuff. I cannot handle it. But whenever I say so I get the “I understand” remark and that’s it. I don’t expect people to arrange my things for me, but they want me to go to university, so they can at least give me some directions as to how to arrange it. I don’t want to go to university. But that’s over now; that was an issue of five months ago. I should go to university, for it’s April and I cannot doubt anymore. Never mind that I never doubted in the first place. Sigrid says that all the folks want me to go to the centre for the blind for training first. They don’t – Mum keeps nagging about the financial aid and that there is a way in which one can get money for the summer while waiting for financial aid for college students, and blahblahblah -, but even if they did, it wouldn’t work out. The eval the people want to do has been planned for just after my exams. I still wonder what Mr. De B. expected them to do when he initially contacted them in January. Probably to know of a way to kick me to colege by September. As if the rehab centre is for that. He probably never quite explained his expectations clearly – maybe cause the folk he spoke to didn’t want to know that much, cause she might get a false first impression. I tried to stick with the paradigm (the social/communicative problems) during the admission interview, but I just can’t avoid issues that do exist if I’m asked about them. So now they want to do the eval. Don’t know what’s coming out of it. Not a way to kick me to college by September, probably. If they can’t help me – either cause I’m too complicated or not complicated enough -, that’s a way to do so. My parents can threaten to kick me out if I don’t go to college. Well, I’ve long submitted to all the people’s wishes – in November, when I told the people I don’t doubt anymore, and simultaneously suppressed all my reasons and feelings behind not being ready for college -, but I cannot make all these arrangements overnight. I just don’t know how to do that, and no-one is going to give me even some directions. They’re all just asking me how far I am and telling me that I should hurry up. So how do I do so??? If anyone tells me what to do, I’m eager (well, not too eager, but can pretend to be) to do exactly that. But with a simple “You should (oh no “you want to”, NOT!) go to college, but how are you going to make it there?” won’t get me to get all the knowledge and skills I need. I’m getting so frustrated. Part of me (Brenda) wants to drop the entire stuff, not do anything, hope that the rehab folks can help me in a way, and wait for what happens and if my parents are truly going to kick me out. Another part of me (Carol) wants to tell all the people that it’s not going to work out but she’s going to do anything they tell her to. Yet another part (Clarissa) thinks “we” should finally take responsibility for “our” own choices and do what “we” want (but what’s that, with so many perspectives inside?). And yet another part (Jane) wants to arrange the usual college stuff and nothing else (nothing related to blindness) and see how things go in September. All these attitudes keep changing. They’re much more “formed” than opinions on college, which makes the situation more complicated, but I have learnt to cope with that, cause they’re not important issues to deal with. People on the BlindKid list advise me to make a list of the skills I’ll need to go to college and which I need to work on. They advised me the same one and a half years ago, but then I still had hope that I would learn the skills in time. I don’t have that hope now. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe I’ll be out of the house in a little over two months. I don’t hope so, since, being over eighteen, I can’t rely on much help. It scares me.