Why have I created new “ladies”? When I first wrote about them in this journal, I was aware of three. Now there are six. I know of most why I created them – Milou is there cause I cannot cope with my “young” actions and lack of skills and Clarissa was created when Carol gave up. I don’t know exactly about Elena. In fact, I’ve no idea when I created her. I only recently counted her among the “ladies”, but she’s in my mind for a very long while – even before I’d ever known there were the “mesdames” in my mind. I have drawings and stories about her from as long ago as 1998. She was never entirely fictional like the other story characters were. She was me, but she was always somewhat “better”. She was what I hoped I was and I thought I could be. It’s still like that. She is, together with Milou, the easiest to see as me, but for some reason I can see neither as just me. That’s very weird.
Sometimes, I feel ashamed of having created “ladies”. It’s not normal, I sense. Why can’t I see it’s just me? They all make up me, right? They have qualities that are mine. Sometimes, it’s difficult to imagine, but they should have hem. They’re not like the outside perople I imagine conversing with – like when you imagine how people would react when you told them something. They’re outside people – my sister, my parents, teachers, etc. I think it’s fairly normal to imagine how folks would react if you did or said something. The “ladies” are not like that: they’re inside my mind, and they’re parts of me. I think they all should make up me, but it’s difficult to understand.