Astrid’s Journal

I got a phone call from somene from the Apeldoorn chapter of the Socialist Party, of which I am a member. The woman asked if I was willing to bring round flyers for the chapter. I remembered the moment an SP representative visited me when I’d just joined the party two years ago. He asked if I was willing to do volunteer work for the party, and I said I was and explicitly named bringing round flyers. So, my answer was “Yes.” When the woman asked if I preferred a certain neighbourhood, I said that I’d most like to bring round the brochures in my own neighbourhood, cause I’m not that familiar with Apeldoorn. I know my neighbourhood quite well, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Hope the passers-by on that day when I’m going to bring round the brochures don’t think so either, cause you as a blind person don’t want to be addressed by a worried passer-by when you’re bringing around political brochures,. That’d leave the impression that my older brother/sister let her poor little sister do her work. You probaby see that I’m a bit worried, but I hope it’ll go well. I want to do some volunteer task for the party. I wante dto be active again. I was, when I’d first joined, but I lost my interest when I heard nothing about the founding of the new Apeldoorn chapter after I’d resigned as a candidate for the executive committee in early 2003. I so hope it’ll go well. I immediately tried to get my doubts away by reassuring my parents that it would be fine. Sigrid said that I wouldn’t not have to watch out for stickers on doors stating they don’t want advertisements, cause, she says, “these people are just interested in the SP.” Lol, real Sigrid logic! Anyways, I’ll get the flyers at the end of this month and will have to bring them round in the first two weeks after St Nicholas Day (December 5). The finals week will start December 7, so I’ll have enough time then.

Astrid

Today was boring. It started with economics, during which class I nearly slept. The teacher lectured for nearly the entire time, which is 100 minutes. I don’t remember all he said, but a lot of stuff that was very difficult. We had to do some stupid sort of math. Well, I used to think that economics math was more difficult than math A1, cause

I hoped we wouldn’t have to do these horrible equations in math. Well, we do. This afternoon the teacher explained differentiating. Arrgghh, I’d hoped the A1 folks wouldn’t need to know that. But we do. What stupid logic is it that

x^2 is something with 2x or whatever.

Speaking of math, I might do my final exam already in January or February. I won’t do a standardized test but one

prepared by the school. A second examiner will have to be present also. I’m not totally sure about how it all goes,

but De B. mailed a letter asking for a second examiner and requesting info on the process.

I had a lot of free hours today. Boring!!! So I went into the computer classroom and went to surf around the

Internet. A whole bunch of eighth-graders were there and they were making noise, wow! Eigth-graders are annoying.

But I wasn’t doing much school stuff either, so who cares?

Astrid

Why have I created new “ladies”? When I first wrote about them in this journal, I was aware of three. Now there are six. I know of most why I created them - Milou is there cause I cannot cope with my “young” actions and lack of skills and Clarissa was created when Carol gave up. I don’t know exactly about Elena. In fact, I’ve no idea when I created her. I only recently counted her among the “ladies”, but she’s in my mind for a very long while - even before I’d ever known there were the “mesdames” in my mind. I have drawings and stories about her from as long ago as 1998. She was never entirely fictional like the other story characters were. She was me, but she was always somewhat “better”. She was what I hoped I was and I thought I could be. It’s still like that. She is, together with Milou, the easiest to see as me, but for some reason I can see neither as just me. That’s very weird.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed of having created “ladies”. It’s not normal, I sense. Why can’t I see it’s just me? They all make up me, right? They have qualities that are mine. Sometimes, it’s difficult to imagine, but they should have hem. They’re not like the outside perople I imagine conversing with - like when you imagine how people would react when you told them something. They’re outside people - my sister, my parents, teachers, etc. I think it’s fairly normal to imagine how folks would react if you did or said something. The “ladies” are not like that: they’re inside my mind, and they’re parts of me. I think they all should make up me, but it’s difficult to understand.

Astrid

I feel really weird. Carol’s words of last Monday keep spinning through my mind. They are mine, but I find it difficult to admit. I would never be so open about my feeligns. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be normal. Clarissa and Elena (she’s a fairly normal teenager in my mind) are fairly normal according to common definitions. but I cannot magically be like one of them; they don’t have some issues that I do have. I cannot magically resolve my difficulties. I can for a while act like one of them, but I am not them; I am six “ladies” and a “homeowner” (me, Astrid). I cannot ignore one of the “ladies”, cause they all make up me.

But having the feelings Carol does right now is very difficult. Carol is angry. She says my parents don’t want her (me) to have needs. It takes me a while to even be able to write down what she so openly states. It isn’t true. Sure my parents do care about me and want to help me. But some of their comments come across as if it isn’t their business and that as long as I just rub along they won’t have to step in. That’s not their intention, I know. They have done and still do a lot for me. I have said a lot of negative things to and about my parents, but I’ve not intended to hurt them. Carol doesn’t intend to hurt them either, but she is really, really angry. I find it difficult to admit that I am, at least when it goes beyond normal teenage defiance. I wasn’t a teenager when I first had these deep feelings of resentment (towards many people, not just my parents) - I was eight-years-old or even younger. It could always ultimately be reduced to a problem of mine, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel hurt very deeply. It’s still like that: of course the not being able to hold on stuff is a problem of mine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt by my parents’ reactions.

And as for the other parts of me that Carol is angry with - I cannot say that that is me, too, simply for I’m also these other “ladies”. I am resentful with myself, maybe. There are a lot of perspectives within my mind, and one is angry with the other. I have had more an unquiet mind over the last couple of months. The “ladies” have fought over many things, simply cause there are many topics that I have to get settled. I knew that Carol wasn’t holding on anymore, and I created Clarissa to take over her job, although Jane initially, on September 10, didn’t want me to create another “lady”. But Carol has not often been so open as she was on Monday, and hence there have not been many times when I felt so much like screaming that I can’t hold on as I did on Monday. I feel ashamed of it. I want to rub along, and I’d just concluded a few weeks ago that the “ladies” hadn’t been fighting so much lately.

Astrid

During English class this afternoon at around 12:15, Carol (the “lady”) told me the following:

I am angry. I can’t hold on. I have long tried to be assertive, to make clear my needs in a polite, non-demanding way. But each time I got reactions like I should just hold on. Jane and Astrid’s parents don’t want me to need anything. Now I can’t be assertive anymore. I have to scream. I can’t hold on!!! Why can’t I go on like this? I am too weak. I cannot keep my politeness. I am too frustrated. I have to resign my job. I’m too weak.

I didn’t know what to do with this. Having to hold on has gotten several meanings over the last few months: it’s related to not caring about the implications of my blindness, to keeping up when it’s a mess inside my mind, to pretending that my behaviour stuff is nothing but simple teenage defiance, and to the well-known future planning stuff. Carol couldn’t handle it anymore. She has become whiney and bitchy, only wanting to scream angrily at everyone who did her any wrong, including other parts of me. She still likes me, but that’s not really reciprocal at this moment. In August, when Carol couldn’t handle the situation anymore, I needed someone stronger than her to go on. It became Clarissa. She is a college student, and doing pretty well. She is a few years older than me (21) and I probably did that cause she is somehow a carer for the entire system, including me.

I felt pretty weird during the afternoon break. I was standing near the stairs, where a number of seventh-graders were pulling and pushing each other. I didn’t care. I first sought Sigrid to ask her how her retaken chemistry test went, but couldn’t find her, and stood the rest of the break daydreaming. At 1:05 PM, the bell rang and I went into classroom 24 for yet another hour of English literature. We had been watching the movie of Of Mice and Men by Steinbeck, but I didn’t really follow it. All those folks only screamed and talked not-at-all understandable American. The theme behind the novel seems to be that humans are animals, too. Sure.

I had a talk with Mr. De B. at 2:00 PM. Stuff about… Oh no, nothing about exams this time. Lol, I automatically assume we’re going to talk about exams, ;). About fitness. Was cool. Then, I don’t know really what. About my trip to Amsterdam, Delft, Nijmegen, Leiden. Nijmegen. Radboud University’s there. When I would go to Amsterdam? I did, last year, but it wasn’t really interesting. I said Nijmegen was interesting and told about the American studies folk who told me there was a blind student there. We tried to find out who that student was, but I couldn’t remember his name; he wasn’t someone I knew. Then about talking to a girl who’s now studying Dutch in Nijmegen (Michelle, whom I know from the summer programme); I have some contact with her, but not much. I don’t know how exactly we got to speak about it, but then we got to speak about my feelings about going to university. Speaking really in black and white, De B. supposed, I would rather not go to university next year. Little black-and-white talking needed for that, to me. It was about how I was going to do things at university. Tutor said something about my disability and not being able to change that. I know, and I have to admit that at times I think that if it were only the simple thing of blindness, it wouldn’t be so difficult. Michelle is also blind, but she is better in all sorts of things than I am. Blindness is what makes all these other things - independence, socialization, assertiveness, you name it - more important than they were had I not been blind. They’re all important for every person going to college - a few years ago I read an article that keeps resounding in my head: it was about college students who couldn’t keep on cause of such reasons, and all were sighted -, but accessibility issues (and general feelings about blindness) complicate the stuff further. De B. said all high school seniors are worried about college. Of course they are; it’s something new and unknown to everyone.

We talked about how I and my parents think about the university stuff. To me, the folks come across as if they just don’t care and I just have to keep up. The discussions about my future often start pretty normal. At times, they will start with Sigrid or me making some remark about university or future planning that Mum (mostly it’s she) takes negatively and then she will react like: “What’s wrong again now?!” However, most discussions start normally about open days, information that I found, etc. At some point, Mum or Dad will say something “controversial” (ie. I take it negatively) and I will make a rather blunt remark, to which Mum or Dad will react with sarcasm (or so it comes across to me) and I will get really furious and the “discussion” will get out-of-hand. I think I need to react less angrily. It’s difficult, for I have to admit that often I indeed feel pretty resentful towards my parents. I don’t know exactly why, but so it is. De B. said that when he talks to my Dad it appears that they wonder about how I’m going to do at university also. I have never doubted that, and even that previous statement - that they seem not to care - is not meant literally: of course they care about how I’m going to do. If they didn’t, why would I have all these discussions about the topic with them?

Then we got to speak about the “ladies”. “There were four, right?” De B. remarked and added that now there are five. “Six,” I corrected. The sixth one isn’t so important, cause she is the least separate from me. He asked about them and I named them each. I couldn’t easily explain their roles and got into a thing about liking or not liking them and about being “nearer to me” or not. There are so many differences between them; I once wrote an article for an offline journal I’m keeping about all the ways in which I could differentiate between them, and liking or not liking them wasn’t even among them, cause that’s subjective - they all have their good aspects and their bad aspects. Yes, even Jane has good qualities, for she’s very moralistic and I can use that at times. She’s very great at pushing me to get onto my studies (where are you, giving me a good kick in the butt to go work on my profile research!). I found it very difficult to explain about the “system”. Not cause I don’t want to speak about it, but because I sense it’s not “normal” to give your different perspectives names and attribute your own qualities to “others”. By the way, it’s sometimes very difficult to imagine that some of these qualities are truly mine. Like Clarissa’s. She’s a sophomore in college and doing pretty well. I know she has qualities that must be mine - she isn’t an ideal, fantasized me -, but I find it difficult to understand.

Astrid

The first time that I remember someone addressing my behaviour problems to me was in April, 1996. I cannot remember what exactly was said - it was about the social worker who’d come to my house to talk with my parents. But I do remember the school psycholigist’s addressing my behaviour problems to me a few months later. (Apparently, the social worker had informed him about my situation.) He asked if I was often angry. I said “No,” and if the question was now asked to me, I’d still say “No.” He tried to speak “kid language”, of course, but frsutration is not the same as anger, and, while I do get frustrated easily, I found “being angry often” not an accurate description.

The first time I was aware that something wasn’t normal with me, was in late 1997. I think it had to do with my Mum’s telling me about the report and maybe having to be a boarder student at school. But mostly I blamed my mother - after all, she got angry when I was playing while she wanted me to do advanced school work or when I was upset cause my sister and her friend were teasing me. I now understand that I overreacted, and maybe even the teasing was a reaction to my poor behaviour, but at that time I viewed myself as a victim of my sister’s teasing and my mother’s anger. Till this day, I wonder if my mother’s extreme anger and her behaviour when she’s trying to correct me, are normal responses to the behaviour I exhibit or are also somewhat overreactive.

The first time I realized that it was *me* who had a behaviour problem, was in early 1998. I can remember the day my father read the 1998 report to me. I understand how accurate the statement that I had little self-critique was - I rationalized all my “wrong” behaviours. After the remedial educationalist’s conclusion that a normal school at this moment wouldn’t be an appropriate option, I was really upset and cried. I don’t think I understood the report fully - although my parents explained difficult terms to me -, but I knew that something was wrong - that I got frustrated too easily and that I exhibited “young” behaviour. At that time, I didn’t actively seek an explanation for my problems - I wanted to get over them. I identified for myself what were indicators of my wrong behaviours - the most important were the quarrels with my mother, that often got out-of-hand. I hoped that someday - maybe at the new school I was about to go to in 1998 -, I would encounter someone who was willing to understand my side of the issue: that it wasn’t just my wanting to be annoying, but that I had to get over this anyway. I don’t know why I so longed for someone to be supportive of me in this respect - weren’t my parents? At that time, my parents actively tried to get me to modify my behaviour. They punished me when I acted out, and they told me what I did wrong (I never liked and till this day don’t like their manner of doing so, ie. “people don’t likw you cause you are always reacting curtly/aggessively/whatever). I made up my own sort of “behaviour improvement plan”, which mostly involed keeping track of my tantrums and setting some sort of unpleasant consequence if I tantrummed. It didn’t work.

In 1998, I really saw myself as disordered in some way. On the news, I saw a couple of stories on developmentally disabled (mostly autistic) children, and I felt connected to them in an unusal way. Of course, I didn’t know what Autism was and I didn’t think that was what I had precisely, but there was this weird feeling that I had some developmental disorder resulting in social/emotional problems.

I went to the new school in 1998. There, my behaviour was less highlighted, but it was still the main theme my school folks emphasized. (My parents emphasized academics, of course.) I can still remember the day I met with Stef (who would be my special ed outreach folk when I went to normal school) a few days before a meeting with the normal school officials. All I remember him talking about, was my behaviour. Still, both my parents and the school folk did nothing relating to the topic besides telling me over and over again how important this was once I went to normal school. Did they really believe I’d change my behaviour if they kept telling me that I should? This school year was when I most longed for someone to understand my side of the problem: that I didn’t just want to be annoying, but that I genuinely *wanted* to change my behaviour.

The first time someone asked me about the why of my behaviour, was in the summer of 2000 while on a four-week summer camp in Russia. I’d acted out a number of times and often been very curt. To some situations, I knew an explanation - eg. I felt bad cause it came across to me as if the others saw me as a burden for my blindness -, but as it became more a generalized issue, I couldn’t explain much. All I knew was that I had had this behaviour for a long time - in my memory, since I was around seven. I kept a journal during summer camp, and much of it was about my behaviour problems. I tried to find out what had gone wrong with me, that I’d gotten to be so behaviourally disordered. When Dad mentioned the when I was seven theory to Mum, she replied: “Then you had to learn Braille.” I didn’t immediately see a connection, and during the 2000/2001 school year (eigth grade, when the topic was often addressed) I had all sorts of theories about why I behaved the way I did. In August, 2001, I made Mum’s theory my paradigm, but added other struggles that I’d had with blindness over the years. My curtness and behaviour issue became a problem of coping with my blindness. I had an explanation, wow!

Mum told me that when I was around seven I changed a lot. One evening in November, 2001, she said that I was previously such a happy, cheerful child. Sure my becoming aware of my blindness was in some way traumatic, and sure it may have increased my problem behaviour a lot, but I don’t believe that I was ever a normal child. I don’t think Mum believes it, either. I don’t remember thinking about this, and when I got to wonder if I had Asperger’s Syndrome in late 2002/early 2003, I didn’t consider the difference between acquiring my difficulties due and having been born with them. I became aware that there are clearly other problems than emotional difficulties contributing to my behaviour - my difficulty in understanding social situations, for example. I by the way was aware of that before I read it was a symptom of Asperger’s Syndrome - about one particular situation, I realized I didn’t know how to act, and over a while that followed, I encoutered numerous situations in which I simply didn’t know how to behave. Also, my getting frustrated very easily itself is a contributor to my behaviour problems. I exhibit a lot of behaviours that are manifestations of that - and that are also symptoms of ASDs, which contributed to my thinking I had an ASD.

I don’t have a theory about my behaviour problems now. I know that I likely always have had my behaviour problems to some extent. I tink that the core of it is the way I am. But sure often it gets increased when I have emotional problems. There have been times when I threw tantrums a lot less than at other times, but that didn’t change my problems with social interaction or my getting frustrated easily when I don’t understand something.

Sometimes, it’s very difficult not having an explanation, cause people can approach my problems the way they please. Sometimes, my parents and others will present my behaviour problems as not such a big deal - I’m just a little self-willed. At other times, however, they’ll treat them as if there’s no hope that I’ll ever improve in this way, and that I’ll just have to live with my problem behaviour. It upsets me, cause I recognize that I’m not just self-willed, I don’t want to give up on my behaviour ever mproving, but I don’t know how to change it.

Astrid

I went to Radboud University Nijmegen today. That’s the university where I’m probably going to study next year. I had planned to attend three info rounds - linguistics, philosophy and American studies -, but cause I was late for the first info round, I skipped philosophy. We first had coffee and Dad read a brochue on philosophy to me. Pretty interesting, but not something I’m going to study. I’m going to study English and probably specialise in American studies in my sophomore year and beyond. We had lunch. Later, we talked with the director of studies for the English department. Dad wondered about phonetics and the accessibility of the phonetic alphabet. (He wondered, but sent me to ask the question and so I had little idea of what to say/ask at first.) She told us about a dictionary where you can click on a word and then hear it. Pretty interesting. That’s British English, and I actually hope to study American English at university (which is one of my reasons for choosing Nijmegen).

We went to the info round for linguistics. The usual talk: what is linguistics, overview of the first year’s courses, Bachelor’s courses, Master’s courses, career possibilities, etc. There’s much emphasis on applied research and experiments. It was explicitly said that statistics was also needed. Don’t mind that. Pretty interesting, but yeah, I already know I like many things - linguistics, literature, politics, history, philosophy -, but mostly connected to Britain and America. I by thre way have considered many of these topics as possible majors and am now considering each as a possible minor.

The American studies info round was really interesting. I visited the English info round last year, by the way. They told us about what all is studied in American studies. ONe good thing is that they place much emphasis on langauge skills - the objective is to become a “near native” speaker. I don’t really like the fact that in Nijmegen much of the study is in relation to the business world. I’m not such a business woman, would more like to do research or maybe journalism (although the directory of studies told of a graduate who was admitted to a well-known school for journalism, so it’s possible also in Nijmegen). They gave an outline of the study of American studies. Three students also told about their experiences, such as the courses, extracurricular activities, and studying abroad (in the United States or at an American studies deparment elsewhere in Europe). Very interesting, this info round. At the end of the info round, one of the folks (I don’t know who, one of the professors who’d given the info) asked if I was interested in studying American studies Yeah, I am, I said. He informed me that they currently have a student who is visually impaired, so they have experience. Oh, well, that’s an advantage of course, but I was going to study in Nijmegen anyways.

Now that I’m a senior in high school, I begin to wonder about how I composed my future planning file(s). I have done very little in the practical sense of future planning. I have judged universities, followed info rounds and heard future planning lectures. But I did little regarding the practical arrangements for university, and I did equally little in arranging the stuff relating to my blindness (except for the rehab stuff). I did a casual Internet study regarding facilities for students with disabilities (finding that Nijmegen is one of the good universities in this respect), but still I know I’ve avoided the most part of being a future college student who is blind. Each time a professor or director of studies asks me if I’m interested in studying that subject, I feel embarrassed. It also happened this afternoon at the American studies info round. I can remember two years ago being at an info evening called VVA-evening (forgot what VVA stands for), which is a very general info evening on college and university. The University of Amsterdam had a stand there, and one of the folks told me that if I wanted more info on facilities for students with disabiliteis, I should call [I can't remember what]. While I was just orienting on studies and universities! But that was tenth grade, and the concept of university was only beginning to emerge, and so was the idea of bringing up my blindness to others. In the second half of 2003, university was still the far future. Mr. De B. often “lectured” me on “the big world” (everything after graduation) and all the skills I’d need then, but it didn’t help me, and I tried to ignore the issue altogether. The year 2004 was full of everything, and future planning was aong the issues. However, on March 21 I still spoke about 2005 as if it weren’t next year. Sure I knew, but each time I realised it, all I got was an awful feeling of fear, which I naturally got away y distracting my thoughts. And now, not even a year before university has to begin, I have a lot of feelings about going to college, but excitement is not among them. I feel that I can’t avoid thinking about university anymore, but mostly this translates into thinking of just having to hold on. Sometimes, I daydream that I go to university and in some magic way have become a reasonably sociable, assertive college student. I have one among the “ladies” (Clarissa), and I wonder if she also represents qualities of mine, or if she’s merely a “supportive perspective”. Another, neither very frequent, daydream is that I do get stuck, but somehow manage to hold on. More frequent is the daydream where I get stuck and can’t just hold on, but somehow find some sort of way to get better again. And in an also very prevalent daydream I’ll get stuck and not be able to hold on. This daydream, ironically, is always imcomplete.

University will be in only ten months. If I apply for a study, but I just found out that that’s not too difficult, so a little bit of morality will get me to do that. Sometimes, I like to treat going to university the same as I treated going to twelfth grade last year: I don’t want to go, but I’ll just do it cause I need to. But what am I doing wrong here? My parents say that I worry too much and that it’s not much more difficult than high school (academically, as if that’s what I worry about!), Sigrid asks if I am not excited about future planning and “but it’s great, isn’t it?”, Myrte (a fellow high school senior) wrote about university that it’s a combination of excitement and anxiety, teachers sometimes ask questions about how I’m going to do this or that (to which I usually give a laconic answer), and I feel that I can hardly hold on now, and certainly not at university. Am I exaggerating the “big world image” when I feel I won’t make it at university, or am I being irresponsible when deciding that I just need to hold on?

Astrid

It’s been long since I last reported about the “ladies”. You should interpret that reasonably positive - they’ve not been fighting often lately, but when they did, it was horrible. They’ve recently found a new topic to fight over and that’s that annoying having to hold on stuff. Or was it me starting the stuff and “them” criticising me? Well, it’s all me anyways.

I’ve created several new “parts” lately. One’d see that as negative, but I don’t. As I explained on August 23, it’s not the fact that I’ve given them names that bothers me - that, in fact, makes it easier to deal with some of the conflicting ideas. What is difficult is to deal with these conflicting opinions that are still all mine. I think I still favour some “ladies” more than others. The new fifth “lady” for example: she’s very comforting and caring and tries to make clear my needs without becoming a “my way or the highway” type of self-advocate that Carol had become increasingly. I’m sad Jane wouldn’t allow me to express her perspective, otherwise I would. Jane’s by the way at this moment very, very pissed off with me. Oh so okay in normal language: I’m sad that I feel that I’m not allowed to express Clarissa’s (the fifth “lady”) perspective, otherwise I would. I by the way feel very mad with myself.

Anyways, I was speaking about having “ladies” around as something negative. I think that what I hate about the “ladies” and what I was sending away in May were those fights they always had. At first, I pushed them away and fortunately they went so I could work on the stuff with Mrs. Van O. and eventually even resolve to send the “kept from” feeling to the end of the universe without criticism. That, of course, remained largely a resolution, but cause it has to do with many factors, some things became easier. But that’s nothing to do with the “ladies”. Anyway, what I cannot and often do not want to send away, are the qualities each of the “ladies” represent. (Okay, I could do without some very easily, of course!) Even those that usually mostly represent perspectives can represent qualities when I act according to their perspectives. I cannot get these qualities to go away. Oh well, I hope I can sometime unite my over-demanding self-advocacy and my feeling like pretending not to need other folks, cause I know that something in between is what’d be ideal (don’t fight, two of you!). One of Clarissa’s jobs is to represent this balance, but I think she may be somewhat to protective. I think that having all these qualities isn’t a problem at all (besides the simple fact that everyone has good and bad qualities), and as such having these “ladies” around is not a problem either. But it is become a problem cause each is so “separate” and they’re so extreme and all “want” to be fully carried out.

Astrid

I had the meeting with Jan (the spec ed outreach folk, still thinking about a better translation) today. Exams, exams and yet more exams. Stuff on languages, economics, adaptations, having an extra computer present, etc. I’m going to contact a girl who graduated from the same type of high school I’m on last year. Further about listening stuff. Going to talk to my languages teachers about this stuff.

Further some things about next year. I said I was going to study English, probalby in Nijmegen. Also talked about open days and disability services. Pretended to be laconic. Then about moving out, and I explained that I was going to live with my parents during the first year at least. We also spoke about the course that I may get to follow for high school seniors. It’s a three-day course at a school for the blind and in cooperation with the university. Last year, I didn’t hear a thing about it, but I hope I’ll this year. Jan is also going to ask about it. At same point, when we were discussing future stuff and moving out, I felt really bad. I will first graduate and then go to university. I nearly locked up inside, but was able to somehow (pretty bitchy) say that I’ll first go to university.

Further some miscellaneous stuff. Summer programme at rehab centre, stuff on contact with classmates, Elections in America, Theo Van Gogh (famous Dutch film maker) having been killed today, making an appt. for a new meeting (Januar 18 at 2:00 PM), good grades last year, new cane, possibility of me getting a dog guide (not thinking about it at the moment) and so on. Not really interesting. Well, at about 3:30 PM, we’d finished and I and Jan left.

Astrid