I don’t know what I shall write about. There are a lot of things I want to write about, but I cannot really get started. I feel I’d be whiney if I did. There are a lot of issues with my blindness that I feel I need to sort out, but I don’t know where to begin. I started in September with writing about this stuff, but I mostly quit that. Plus, there are things I want to write about that are not directly related to my recent experience of vision loss, but that I have gotten to think about as a result of my vision loss stuff. Cause that issue had me thinking about a lot of blindness related issues. Not that all of them were/are bad, but still. I feel like writing about some implications of my blindness, but I don’t know how to. It’s not really that I feel ashamed of these things, but I don’t know how to get there, which partly indeed relates to my not wanting to croadcast, but also… well as I said, I just don’t know how to bring some order in what I want to write about.
There are also these issues that I *am* ashamed of. I’ve been wanting to be open to some people about my “formally recognised issues”. The behaviour issues, I’m speaking about here. Some of it I could attribute to blindness or to “just being an introverted person”, and these are the things I’ve always been fairly open about. The social situations thing, for instance. But by my behaviour issues I mean those things very few people would write about. I’ve rarely met people with these behaviour disorders or emotional disturbances. (I’m not meaning the formal diagnosis of behaviourally disordered or emotionally distrubed here, for clarity’s sake, but just people with similar emotional and behavioural disorders.) I don’t know why this is; I’ve often met parents who expressed these issues about their children. I know there must be teenagers with similar difficulties to me. In fact, I’ve known some throughout my teens (since early 1998, when I started thinking about it, I have recognised similar problems in other people), but I’ve always felt held back from talking about these things.
But I would so like to discuss this stuff with some of my acquaintances. I want to explain the extent of these problems and to make clear why they are so limiting (as I said on Wednesday). Many of my relatives don’t know the extent of the issue, and I’m afraid they’d reject me if they did. Certainly, a publicly visible diary isn’t the place to open up about this stuff. I sometimes think I’ve already gone too far in some writings. Like with the blindness stuff, I don’t want to broadcast. But with this, I also fear to be let down by people if I’m open about this stuff. People either don’t recognise the seriousness of the problem, or they don’t recognise the impact it’s having on me and how limiting it is. And that’s why I feel ashamed to be open about what’s it really like tho live with this issue. I don’t like the idea of theoretically the entire world reading about this part of me, so I’m probably not going into this much further here.
Astrid
