Astrid’s Journal

I found this funny “monthly glance” survey to put in one’s journal. Think it’s pretty cool, so here goes.

This month was: August
Season: Summer… or it was supposed to be summer.
Weather: the wettest month ever, if one can believe the weather channel.
Holidays: summer holiday
What is blooming?: Uhm…I’m not an expert on flowers. We’re having our first apples right now.
My month was productive in: far too deep thoughts.
My month was unproductive in: uhm, I don’t know. I even managed to do some school work. Maybe, unfortunately, it lacked an “end of summer conclusion”, but if we have to say summer ends with some conclusion, the summer of 2002 ended at November 4.
Interesting notes on the month: Let the sun shine, let the sun shine! I didn’t get my sunglasses for free!
Favourite moment: August 2, when the second week of the rehab programme started.
Social interactions: at the summer programme. Oh and of course with Sevinc when I visited her. Nearly forgot that.
Favourite conversation: the one on Thursday August 5 with a current student at the rehab centre. Such an interesting discussion and that person had such interesting ideas about some of these damn blindness issues.
Favourite social gathering: I had no real social gatherings this month.
New places visited: hmm, Sevinc’s house. The rehab centre isn’t really new for I already knew it.
I accomplished: to survive the first week of school, lol. Uhm, what else can I think of?
Frustrations: these damn stupid ladies of course… I have to send them to the nearest star. Dad says it’s five light-years away, so it’ll take them at least ten years to return… by then I’ll long live in the States and they can’t find me. Oh and the stupid project on British Idealism.
Fortunately, none of the other seniors is particularly far with it.
I talked to: as I said, to Sevinc, and to the folks at the rehab centre. Oh and Mr. De B. couldn’t miss me so I talked with him this afternoon.
I learnt: to fry chips, I think some school stuff (what, exactly?) and uhm, what else?
Things to remember: how cool the summer programme was? Oh and some interesting things the folks said.
Past moments I remembered: the summer of 1998, the summer of 1999, August 2001, 9th grade, the summer of 2002, the summer fo 2003, last March, April 11
Favourite meal: still has to be chicken wings, rice and chicory.
Reading: a whole lot of Bible studies and the messages on my favourite forums, my Latin texts, and Tuttle’s book in self-esteem and blindness (yeah, still not finished)..
Listening: nothing interesting I think.
Watching: the usual TV programmes.
Movies I saw: didn’t see any. Oh well, of course, we watched part of the movie of “Lady Chatterley’s lover” in English class.
I finished: My summer holiday.
I liked: the visit to Sevinc’s and my new, ultra-relaxing schedule.
I disliked: the project on British Idealism and that damn current blindness stuff issues museum.
I loved: nothing or no-one in particular.
I wish: I still had a holiday!!!

Astrid

Last night I slept really horribly. I’m not even sure if I actually did sleep at all. I stood up at 8:15, for I again had to begin school at 9:50. Sigrid started at 9:50, too, but today school for her was over earlier than it was for me - at 2:00 instead of 2:50.

My first class was math, where we discussed last year’s test. I had an eight for it, so I was quite satisfied, but had made some mistakes of course. The current math chapter seems to be pretty easy, by the way.

The next class was English. We discussed D.H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover and saw part of the movie. Pretty interesting book, it seems. Mr. Van E. is pretty good at telling us about the book and the time it was written in (1928).

Then we had Dutch. This was a pretty boring class. We discussed the assignment we had to do for today. This assignment had been pretty difficult. Unforutnately, I had to answer a question I didn’t know and my teacher wondered if I’d actually looked in my info book. I had, but it was a pretty vague definition which I had to use (finding assonances in a poem). Anyways, I like some of the poetry. We have to read a book of poetry this period. I’m not yet sure which, for I don’t want to do the ones we saw in the info book like Rutger Kopland (that’s sooo difficult) and Gerrit Komrij.

The sixth hour would be philosophy, but we had to have pictures taken. So the entire senior class went to the cafeteria and had to wait to have one’s picture taken, and also a class picture (with many folks I have few classes with, but who are by chance also called 6C). So eventually we didn’t do much philo - only a corny quiz about the philo weekend.

Then I had geography. My teacher’s pretty good. I had a double lesson of geography on Friday, but that wasn’t really interesting. But today it was pretty interesting - we learnt some things about developing countries and their transportation networks.

As I arrived home, I chatted a bit with Sigrid and then went to the supermarket to buy sweets. I think I’m going to do some geography this evening also.

Astrid

It’s night. I nearly forgot I’ll have to go to school tomorrow. I’ll have to be up at 8:15. Did I call the cab? Yeah, I did. I don’t know what classes I’ll have. Probably math as I had homework for that. And philosophy and Dutch. Don’t know what else. Maybe German. Oh no, probably not for we had that two hours on Friday and one on Thursday. Maybe Latin. And maybe some double lesson. Hope not math. Will have to ask P. about the project on British Idealism tomorrow. Don’t want to. Don’t know why, but feel… uhm, what? Don’t know.

Astrid

Well, as I said I went to see Boris yesterday. So Sigrid and I went to Arnhem by bus, ate something at McDonald’s and then met with a few girls from a message board Sigrid uses, which is a board for Boris fans. We went to the place where Boris would sing, and arrived at around 7:30. Boris’ performance wouldn’t start till 9:00, so we were very early and could get a good place to stand. I liked the band that was currently playing better than Boris. This performance was finished by 8:00, and in between we heard some not-so-great music, just meant to entertain us while waiting for Boris. The soundcheck started at 8:30, and Boris’ concert started at 9:00. I didn’t really like it, but yeah, I already knew that it wasn’t my fav music. And I didn’t really like the public that came to listen, either. Most were 10-/11-/12-year-old girls that apparently could only scream hysterically. Well, it was cool to have been at a concert, but it’s not my type of music.

Astrid

Today school started at 9:50 with Latin. Mrs. Buwalda told about the subject for the final exam (Ovid and a

little bit Vergil), which is supposedly a pretty easy topic. I think it’s going to be interesting. We still will have quite a lot of tests for Latin this year - two normal tests and four translation tests, of which two will count

for one’s school exam average (which will in turn be averaged with the final exam grade). Hmmm, a lot of work but pretty interesting.

Next, I had a free hour and went to the multimedia centre to write. Then, I had German. Hmm, I was told that Mrs.

H. (my teacher) was very nice but pretty chaotic, so I should “educate” her quite a bit. Well, I have not noticed it so far; we had to do an assignment which was put on paper and she had it on a floppy for me, and says she’ll put the letter assignment which we’ll get tomorrow on a floppy, too. I’ve had a lot worse experiences with paperwork, especially in first lessons of a new school year or period. And so far her instruction seems pretty clear also. No “Look at the blackboard” type of teacher so far. Dad says she indeed appears somewhat chaotic, but I must say that
the most chaotic folks I’ve encountered don’t appear so. Well, hope things’ll keep on going well. And by the way the

class was pretty interesting. Only her German seems so weird to me. Well huh, there are so many accents.

English was also pretty cool. We’re doing twentieth century literature this year, and also have to read a twentieth century book for our oral exam. Initially, I thought: blegh, I always read classics. But actually all books I’ve read for my oral exams for English so far are twentieth century. We’re going to do a writing test this period as well. Cool. By the way the way the folks calculate our grades for writing has changed positively. Conventions aren’t so important anymore. Yeah!!! I always forget those! And language is much more important now, which I love for I’m fairly good at it. Unfortunately, the same method will be used for the French writing assignments - I’m not so great at French. I’m by the way sooo happy that we’re not going to do so much reading for English again. That’s sooo boring!!

French was boring. I really feel that’s such a difficult subject! This year, we’re going to do literature, one more unit French2 (at least one, I mean, maybe more), writing, listening of course (oh, forgot to mention that with English, but we have a standardised listening test) and I don’t know about speaking except for one’s oral exam. This hour, we had to read texts, which was pretty easy but I didn’t like it.

Sigh, I’m already soo tired! I need a holiday!!!!! But yeah, everyone needs to adjust the first week, huh?

Astrid

Ps - boy, are the sausage rolls in our caffeteria ever expensive this year!

It’s fairly difficult to describe what these “ladies” are really like. In ninth grade, I saw them as totally sort of separate from me. I can’t remember how I then thought they could exist - for they were clearly just thoughts and feelings -, but I for some reason had really great difficulty realising that they were me. I still find it difficult to consider these “ladies” to be me. After all, their perspectives are clearly contradictory. And of course, as I said, one may doubt about issues a whole lot. But this has alwyas seemed deeper than just normal incertainties. And I even think that somehow I should be able to unite their perspectives. There’s not one right and the other is wrong, for both hold extreme perspectives: Carol is a way too active self-advocate, who will make a whole fuss to get what she wants. Jane on the other hand is (shut up, don’t tell me I’m not allowed to write your perspective!) way too passive with the only underlying idea that I’m not allowed to need other folks. She’s also the one who feels I’m stupid if I can’t just rub along without any help or adaptations. That’s equally ridiculous as Carol’s excessive advocacy in clearly too demanding ways. Jane, for clarity’s sake, is not a symbol for my lack of initiative - that is what I call a “kept from” feeling and the “ladies” are by far not always involved with it.

On the one hand, I realise that both perspectives are mine. I have my own needs and wants (everyone does!) and may or may not advocate for them. If I do, I often do so in pretty inappropriate ways. That’s why I wanted to make clear that my rationality does not consider Carol’s perspective to be superior. I used to think so in ninth, when I did not yet realise there was a lot between being allowed to advocate for my needs and wants and not being allowed to.

Still, these “ladies” take a somewhat separate perspective. As I said last Monday and also in March, there have been times when the two of them could agree but my rationality could not,and still, as I said, I feel neither is perfect. It’s weird. I think I’ve symbolised my own (too extreme) qualities, but for in my mind they aren’t qualities - they’re thoughts ad feelings -, it’s so difficult to unite them.

That’s also why it is much easier to see Milo and Brenda as parts of me. They ARE representatives of qualities of mine, and, certainly with Milou, don’t hold a perspective. They symbolise contradictions, of course, but the very fact that they exist is for I find it easier to see them as sort of separate. It is in some ways an advantage, for it helps me deal with these contradictions, as I said last Monday.

I would actually find it more logical that the less personified they are, the easier it must be to see the “others” as part of me. I find it difficult to see that the contrary is true.

Astrid

I have been feeling confused about a lot of issues lately. Twelfth grade has just started. My senior year. Last year of high school. I’ll do my final examination, for which a lot of stuff will have to be arranged. I’ll do my project on British Idealism, which is sooo chaotic. I’ll have to go to university next year. I don’t know… I’m sooo scared… Dad’s convinced that I’ll rub along perfectly. Oh well, the same way I did at high school. That would be better than what I expect, but still I don’t think I’m going to keep on like that… Dad uses all sorts of academic arguments for why I’m going to make it at uni. He says that the final project (British Idealism thing) in 11th/12th grade is the same level as what he used to get in his first year at university. As if universiities haven’t changed! And, as Dad knows real good (or should know), it’s by no means academics that I worry about. I’ll, like always, again have a lot to arrange with teachers this year, I’m afraid even more. Well, one’d say, after last year with the two difficult issues (French and classical culture) it should be sooo easy. I’m afraid it isn’t, but of course I hope it’ll be. I’ll need to sort of socialise a lot again. Well, as compared to during summer holiday, when I virtually all the time was solitaire, besides the two weeks at the rehab programme of course. Of course, I like to hang around with others, but I find it soo difficult. Boy, is it ever stupid that I still need to worry about that!

Then, there are still these stupid issues that unfortunately don’t stop when summer’s over. I don’t want to have such an unquiet mind again like last year. I don’t want to get stuck in issues. I want to be normal… I need my time and energy to prepare for next year. (Oh well, and for my final exam, of course, but that won’t be difficult I think, for I’ve always been strong academically). I don’t want to go on like I did in eleventh. I can’t do that now, for I’ll need to prepare for university, finish my project, etc… but I don’t know how I’m going to leave this stuff behind… It sucks. Hate to be in my last year at high school. There’s just too much I’ll have to arrange, work on or prepare for. Well, at least I’m not among the many who need to worry a whole lot for their final exam. Not that I’m going to pass it with ease; I’m still going to need to work hard for it, but I’m convinced that at least that’s not something I’ll need to be scared of.

Astrid

My first day of school started early, for I woke up at around 7:00 AM from Sigrid, who had to be up then. I just wanted to go to sleep again, when my watch started beeeeping and telling me the time, cause apparently the alarm was set at 7:15. When I had quieted it, I wanted to go to sleep again, for I didn’t have to be up till 8:15. But then I realised I had forgotten part of today’s schedule, so went downstairs t ask Sigrid. By then, I decided to make coffee and stay awake, so that I could bathe for a long while.

The taxi arrived at 9:15, and my first day of school stated around 9:30 when I arrived. Weird enough, many students were in the hallways, which would be strange for it was in the middle of the second period. I went upstairs to wait for my math class to start at 9:50, and my teacher came outside and asked about the graphics volume. It hadn’t arrived yet, as far as I know. However, he thinks the old one I used last year is still useable. Hmmm, I’m almost certain I finished that one, but will look it up. Class started with an overview of what we’re going to do and the new rule regarding homework: each week, the teacher will check some people’s homework, and if you aren’t on track then, you lose your right to retake the test. Argh, that sucks. Then we repeated some stuff from last year (I’d forgotten way too much!) and then something new got introed, for which we have to use a graphing calculator. For I don’t have one, the teacher’s going to make an Excel programme for the same function (the normal-cdf function, don’t ask me what that cdf stands for). I told the teacher that I had somehow lost the programme for calculating the binom-pdf and binom-cdf functions (hmmm, why don’t I know what that cdf stands for? I’ve known the term ever since 10th). I’m sure I used it last year during the classes, but on the last test I couldn’t find it, then determined that I wouldn’t spend too much time trying to find it cause I would do it fine without the programme also. So later I sought further, but still couldn’t find it. Hmmm, extremely weird.

The next class was a double lesson of Dutch. We have way too much to do for both Dutch and literature. We’re going to start with poetry and that’s sooo difficult. I didn’t like the assignments we did today.Sigh, Dutch seems so difficult.

I also had philosophy today. We indeed are going to start with philosophy of science, which book I don’t have yet. We first two classes (it was a double lesson also) we did some sort of socratic discussion like thing about the question what is science. Obviously, most of us would count physics and chemistry as science, while not really considering history or psychology. This is actually weird for we’re mostly folks with the social sciences as our classes. We also watched a video on the topic of philosophy of science. It is pretty informative, but the woman who presents it has such a boring voice. Well, it was pretty cool. Speaking of philosophy related things, Mrs. Van R., the woman that works at the multimedia centre, had found a book I might find useful for my project. I’m also going to discuss the project with P. shortly.

By the way, is it just me, or are the freshmen (7th grade that is) going to be smaller every year? Well, I’ve never really had the “wow, am I ever great!” feeling towards the new 7th-graders. A little bit in 8th, for my sister was in 7th then (so just to tease her). Next year I’ll be a freshman again, huh?

Astrid

Went to school to get my schedule and other stuff again. At first, the entire 12th grade came together in the multimedia centre to get some general info regarding new rules and regulations. Then, all went to a building which we call Binas (compiled from the abbreviations of the Dutch words for biology, physics and chemistry) to get our schedules and the other bunch of paperwork. The testing and examination programme of course isn’t yet correct so we haven’t yet gotten it. Hmmm, all the teachers keep nagging about that programme and having to look in it. Weird.

My schedule, overall, is pretty relaxed. On Monday, I’ll have from the third till the seventh period (that’s 9:50 AM till 2:50 PM), on Tuesday from the third till the eighth period (9:50 till 3:40), on Wednesday again from 9:50 till 2:50, Thursday from 9:50 till I think 4:30 (but might also be 3:40 for that’ll be P.E.), and on Friday from 8:10 till 12:40. So I’m soooo happy!!!!! I’d indeed always heard that seniors usually have relaxing schedules, but it’s still very cool that that applies to me, too. My 11th grade schedules were never good, and nor were my schedules in 10th.

I’m also pretty content with my teachers. I’ll have my favourite teachers, for Dutch and English. I had both in 10th, too. For Latin, I’ll have a teacher I also had in 10th. She’s a computerphobic, but I like the way she teaches. Will have Mrs. Van O. for French again, and a teacher I don’t really know for German. According to Dad, she at least uses a computer. P. for philosophy again and H. (whom I’ve had ever since 8th grade) for math. The only I’m not so happy with is that I have a teacher I don’t know at all for geography. I had the same teacher each year since
7th grade, but now have someone else. And for geography there’s a lot that needs to be arranged for the final exam, for I won’t do a standardised test on geography. Oh well, Sigrid says he at least dictates a whole bunch of notes, so that’d be better than with the other one - he writes some stuff on the blackboard and tells a whole long, unrelated story around it. Dad says the teacher I’ll have at least himself thinks he can work with computers.

Well, so tomorrow I’m going to have math, then two hours of philosophy (I’m still missing my book) and then two hours of Dutch (argh, a double lesson of Dutch really sucks). Sigrid’s going to start off good already: from 8:10 till 3:40 with only one free hour. She’s just starting 10th grade, but her schedule is a lot more relaxed than mine was the first period of 10th.

Astrid

As I browsed The Diary Project, I saw quite a few entries that were more open-hearted than mine in this diary are. There are people that seem not to care about what they write and how it will affect others. Mostly, however, the only difference with my writings, is that they are anonymous, so no-one is going to be directly offended, simply for no-one knows who BlackRose900’s parents are, for example. She, and others, can say the worst things about their parents, friends, whatever, simply because no-one knows who they are. They can share their entire psychological, sexual and whatever life, simply for no-one knows who they are. Their parents, friends and teachers won’t tell them that they’re worried by what they describe, or that someone might be offended by what they write. After all, no-one knows that they are who they are.

I have seen some open-hearted writings by people who weren’t anonymous. Sarah for example. Not everything is in her diary, but some things are on her website, like some of my writings are. I have seen writings of her that were very open, sometimes even more open than my own.

But most that write virtually anything about themselves online, aren’t recognisable. Oh well, I don’t know if they write virtually everything about themselves online. I still censor my writings, simply cause I don’t want to offend people. Would I have been allowed to write every negative thing that I can think of about my parents, teachers, classmates etc., only if my name weren’t recognisable? It would seem so, but I prefer to be honest: I’m me, Astrid van Woerkom from Apeldoorn, Netherlands, and all that I write here is my writing.

I have known someone that had a very, very open-hearted online journal. She wrote under the screen name of Sammie Verhoeve, and she told us in advance that that was a pseudonym. She had previously had an online journal, where she wasn’t anonymous, but when her friends found it, she decided to move it and become anonymous. Hmmm, everyone their own ideas, but I would never do that. I realise that what I put online is readable to everyone, so be it. If someone decides to put her writings online, then she should be conscious of the consequences of everyone being able to read it. I don’t write my stuff specifically for people to read, but I don’t mind people reading it, either. I, personally, find it more strange when people are so open only when folks don’t know who they are. But yeah, maybe it’s the same weird contradiction as me being open online but get “locked up inside” when my parents ask me to explain something.

Astrid