Wow, I’m reading over the last entry. Am I ever crazy! My parents as far as I know don’t know about the “ladies”.
And they certainly don’t know about this little girl concept. They do know I suspected an ASD last year (not that that’s anything to do with it), and they keep laughing at that.
I can imagine that if they read all this about the “ladeis” and the stuff with vision loss and all at once, they’ll think I just want to have issues.
I mean, I’m quoting Sarah and the books to explain what’s going on; doesn’t that sound as if I just want to be like Sarah or like what the boks say? (Oh yeah, I want to be what the books say, cause most books are fairly positive about blind folks!) They don’t know that I had all this in ninth grade, cause they can’t read what I wrote then
(and if they could, they would think I was crazy!). And
even if they knew what was going on with me in ninth, why should that return in eleventh? Why is it all such a mess inside my mind? Oh no, shut up ladies!
Go back to the end of the universe. You folks listened in May, so why not now? Go away, now! And tke ten sabbatical years to the German end of
the universe! Don’t you f*cked folks dare to come back!
There are several reasons why I don’t want to be obsessed with one issue like I was last year with Asperger’s and me suspecting it. One of them is that I’ll forget all other possiblities and explain everything by that issue. Another, closely related, thing is that if I label myself suspectingly (so if I suspect a certain label but
ain’t officially identified/diagnosed/whatever), I will focus only on the parts of me that are related to the topic. I can remember that I pretty much focussed on and even exaggerated some qualities of
mine when I was involved with the Aspie community. Not for being hypochondriac or wanting to have a disorder, but because I had gone so far in suspecting this disorder.
It’s therefore that I’ve decided to quit labelling myself. If I had a DSM-IV here, I might well be able to find some interesting labels that would explain whatever issue, but I don’t want to. I want to describe the “ladies” as they are - representing thoughts/feelings that contradict inside my
mind, maybe even over-symbolised incertainties -, not according to some standard.
However, I realise that as I’m describing everything as it is, it sometimes seems like I have way too many issues. And for we still have this background of me sort of making up an issue
(well, the issue of not understanding social situations etc. exists, but I was obsessed with a possible
explanation that’s incorrect), I feel I can’t really show what’s really inside my mind, cause it’ll be regarded as just attention-seeking.
Of course, I never validated this opinion - I never asked anyone -, but with the whole ASD stuff the folks were also pretty understanding until they
were allowed to express each others’ perspective to me.
With the Asperger’s issue I wasn’t faking either - it was (and still is) a very genuine problem that I had (as I said on April 11) and I really recognised the symptoms of AS to some extent (and some even a whole lot). I however got sort of stuck in the idea that I may have AS,
and that got me to describe myself as more an Aspie than as me.
That’s why I don’t want to label myself anymore. But also, I’m sometimes afraid there are more things I did “wrogn” with the AS issue, so that it turned into an obsession rather than a genuine feeling.
How on Earth am I going to express my feelings without sounding like a brat that just wants to have issues?!! My parents call me crazy (or “neurotic” or “autistic”, you name it!) whenever I talk about some not-so-normal thing. For example when I told Mum about checking my alarm
clock over and over again till latish night cause I’m afraid it isn’t on. All she said was that I was crazy.
And remember, WHO labelled me far before I started doing so?! It sucks so much. I’m getting judged for trying to understand some issue and in the end getting to believe my parents’ remarks. I don’t want this to happen with the vision loss thing, with the “ladies”, and with all
this stupid stuff that keeps spinning through my mind.
They don’t need to understand, but if my parents or other relatives ever get to read this, please, I don’t care what all you do or don’t with this stuff (the WWW is fairly open, so the entire world can read it anyway, lol) but I hate that careless ridicule.
So, if you don’t want to have a distubred daugther or sister or whatever, pretend not to know or just don’t get to know (ie. stop googling me or reading my diary). You folks can’t change me by just telling me I’m crazy, hypochondriac, overreacting, whatever. Everyone may read my scribblings,
but at their own risk.
Oh well, of course there are those folks that like to tease/bully and if they get to read this they’l certainly find grounds for making fun of me. So be it, but I guess my parents don’t want just to bully me, so then explain to me what’s the point in this satire or quit it.
I was thinking that maybe they do want to understand my feelings, but just want me to quit putting my private life in such an open place like the Internet. Sort of like protecting me from the evil-willing folks that also might read this stuff.
However, I know I have tis risk if I decide to put deeply emotional/psychological stuff online. But what is the point in pretending to be evil-willing to make me aware of that possibility?
Like, of course some folks might want to use my stuff in an abusive way, but I know this risk exists, so why would my ow parents make fun of the stuff I put online? They aren’t evil-willing, are they?
And also, if my parents got to hear some of my behaviour or issues from somebody else of if I told them, their reaction was the same. I ddn’t even have an Internet connection when they first made fun of me for my weird issues. The only difference is that my parents could’ve read my offline diary
then (it wasn’t passworded and a backup was always on the server) and can Google me now. So, besides them, only more folks can read my stuff now. Well, I’ve not had bad reactions except for theirs and some satire from folks at school *which I didn’t care about,
after all they indeed just made fun of the fact I’d for example described some funny eventonline). For instance, my 10th grade Dutch teacher
had read my Dutch, online diary way before my parents had ever googled me. He had read an entry where I described a Dutch class, and all he said was: “Yeah, that was put online, and YOU did that!”
And Frau Z. had found my Dutch, online diary by accident and she laughed at an entry where I’d said that she might be pissed but I didn’t care anyway. Like, that was the real me, she laughingly said.
But what’s the difference between these teachers making fun of what I write and my parents doing it? I think it is cause the teachers who accidentally stumbled upon my diary
just find it funny to see someone they know write stuff online, especially if it’s different from how they know me. On the other hand, my parents seem to have some real meaning with their ridicule:
they did it way before I started writing online, so it comes across as if they just want to get me to quit these issues, which simply they won’t rech by ridiculling me!
Astrid
