Rome, Here I Come!

So, in a few hours I’ll leave for Rome! At 1:30 AM I’ll have to be at school. We’ll drive by bus to Münster and take a plane then. I’m really excited!!! Rome, here I come!!!!

I’ve already packed my bags. Had to buy socks, batteries for my daisy-player (yes, I’m taking it with me as a discman, don’t care that it “is a school thing” cause I probably won’t use it for school at all and we bought it ourselves) and some other things, and when we returned home it was discovered that my shoes are damaged. However, fortunately I can use my mother’s shoes, which are good walking shoes and they aren’t new (new shoes aren’t good cause we have to walk very long distances).

I also have looked up some things on places in Rome, but I’m still messng up everything and I’ve decided, if that were expected of me, I’m not going to give 20 presentations instead of one. I namely have to tell Mr. De B. about the buildings we’re visiting, but I can’t remember everything about each building. Anyway, most places are really cool!

So, bye, see you all next week!

Astrid

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A Very Good Day

Today till now (fifth hour) each hour there occurred something that was less frustrating than I’d expected.

1st hour: Economics
We got our tests handed back. I’d expected an insufficient grade, cause I’d only studied a very little bit. However, I got a 6.8!!!! Mr. Te B. said I had the first questions correct but the next part, involving calculus not. Hmmm, weird, as I’m pretty good at calculus but hadn’t studied.

2nd hour: History
Again, we got our tests back. My expectations for history were even worse than for economics: I thought I’d get less than the 1st period’s 4.5. However, I got a really good grade: 7.1!!!!!!!!!

3rd hour: History
During this class, we got info on the project we’re going to work on this period. The really great news is that last period was the last history test ever (!!!!!). The only things we’ll still get a grade for are next period’s project and our final examination next year! And the project is really cool: the others will have to watch a historical movie and compare it to reality. But as watching movies may be difficult Mrs. U. made up an alternative assignment for me: I’ll have to read a historical book and compare that to the facts. And the books she mentioned aren’t really difficult either. Such thing as Het bittere kruid by Marga Minco (read that in 9th), Oeroeg by Hella S. Haasse (had to read that in 8th but didn’t cause the teacher fell ill) and Heren van de thee also by Hella S. Haasse (didn’t read that and that book is very thick). Anyway, I think I’m going to do something less-known and about a more interesting theme, but I don’t know. At least I find it to be very cool!

4th hour: Math
Our project for math is easier than I’d expected. It seems pretty cool.

5th hour: free hour but had to talk to Mr. B.
Yesterday I talked to Mr. De B. about grades, Rome and the issues with French and classical culture. For classical culture I’d talk to Mr. B. about the create your own test-assignment which I hadn’t done. It was the 5th hour and in advance Mr. De B. had informed Mr. B. So I went upstairs to the “classical languages floor” (well, other subjects are offered there too, but mainly classical languages and classical culture). I looked around for a while and then Mr. B. apparently saw me and we looked for a classroom. “Buwi” (another classical languages teacher) was in classroom 5, but she didn’t have a class so we could sit there as well. Mr. B. started about the tests we had this year, so the annotated programme proposal for Rome, the presentation on Raphael’s grave, Tuesday’s test and the test we could create for ourselves. He said he didn’t like it that I hadn’t handed in my own test and I explained I didn’t have the hand-out and had difficulty with the thing due to the pictures. Then Mr. B. understood and he said I indeed had done what was expected to finish 11th-grade classical culture (well, except for the presentation itself). So everything was clear to me and apparently to Mr. B. and I left and spent the rest of the hour in the multimedia centre.

So, now I have free hours the 6th and 7th hour and then’ll be French. But now that each hour there happened something that went easier then I’d expected, I think I’ll survive French, too. And the 9th hour will be economics in which class we’ll discuss the test. Oh, I also read some things on Rome and I really look forward to it. Only 1 1/2 days!!! It’s now half past one and on 1:30 AM on Saturday we’ll have to be at school to leave for Rome!

Astrid

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Disability-Related Adaptations

Weird enough, the first adaptations I can remember getting weren’t for blindness, but for physical issues (don’t even know whether to call it a disability, it’s so mild), which were adaptations to the furniture in class (mainly due to my small size), adapted scissors and later an adapted braille writer cause I was/am a little bit weak.

However, my blind-related adaptations at the moment are the most important (cause I don’t really notice my physical issues now). The first I got was large print at the end of Kindergarten when I moved to the school for the blind. At the end of 1st this was changed to braille. In 3rd I got my own Perkins braille writer and my first cane – had started O&M classes in 2nd but didn’t get to use my cane full-time till 8th grade. I never got a slate and stylus – in fact, the first time I ever saw one was when I was 14 -, cause in the Netherlands they’re considered “old-fashioned” (haha, the schools for the blind use braille maps from 1955 and consider a slate and stylus old-fashioned!). My greatest interest in fourth grade and beyond was geography, so from fourth on I used brailled/tactile maps – still have a whole bunch of them.

In January, 1998 when I was in the sixth grade, I got my first computer with braille display. Within a year, I was a good user of Windows and MS Office, which was cool cause by 1999 (at the end of 7th, but would repeat 7th) I’d go to a regular school. I got my second computer in May, 2002 and this was also when I got Internet. For my computer crashed often, I used another one for several months twice. Yesterday, after the insurance company that pays for
adaptations for folks with disabilities (don’t know what company does so in the US, is it from SSI or what?) had become sick and tired of the high bills it ever got from ALVA (Freedom Scientific-like company in the Netherlands) when the computer was in repair, I got my third (or fourth, if you count in the exchange comp) computer.

Other adaptations I use less frequently are adaptive math things and tactile graphics.

As for feeling stigmatised – I did feel stigmatised when I first had to learn braille and with my cane till 8th grade (which was when I realised that as I walked without my cane it was even more stigmatising). Still feel stigmatised at times, but not too often.

Astrid

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Dentist and New Computer

Yesterday Sigrid and I went to the dentist. Sigrid went first and her exam was finished quickly – nothing was wrong. I however had two small cavities. We hadn’t gone to the dentist for ages, but he said we both should come back for a new check-up in October. Actually, everyone has to come twice a year till they’re 18, but although I’ll be 18 in June, he thinks cause my teeth are pretty bad that I should still come in October.

Today I got my new computer. My old one was very bad and so I’m happy I got a new one. However, I still feel pretty uncomfortable working with it. I also at the moment have a pretty bad braille table, but I’m trying to figure out how it’s working. Oh and does anyone know how to get JAWS to add dots 7+8 to text when it’s a link? Don’t have MS Office yet cause there’s something wrong with the CD-Rom my Dad has. Oh by the way, I also finally have a built-in CD-Rom drive. Yeah!!!

Astrid

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Updates on French and Classical Culture

This morning at 10:45 I’d actually have an appt. with my tutor to prepare a talk we’re going to have with Sietske, Charlotte and Ditha (these are other 11th-graders) on socialising issues. However, I came there at 10:45 and Mr. De B. was talking to my Dad, so I assumed he was busy with something (my Dad’s our school’s system manager). I waited for a while but then went outside to wait for the cab – Mr. De B. had probably forgotten. At 11:15 he came to me and I told him the appt. was 10:45. It appeared he’d thought it was 10:15 and for I didn’t show up he thought it was 11:15.

Mr. De B. told me that he’d already asked Ditha if she was willing to participate in the talk and she was. Hadn’t yet asked Sietske and Charlotte. We however decided we’d do it after Rome, cause there’s not much time before Rome anymore (a little over a week). Then somehow we got to speak of
finals. (Oh by the way, we were still sitting outside.) It started about classical culture. Huh? It appeared it was about the test we could create for ourselves. I hadn’t done it, cause I didn’t have the hand-out on it, I didn’t know many questions to ask (classical culture is a lot of pictures)
and it wasn’t even compulsory – at least, that’s what Mr. B. (my teacher) said. So, it went on about how I acted in this situation (not doing anything, just seeing what’d happen) and finding the situation pretty difficult to deal with and I found my behaviour to be pretty stupid and
should actually change it. So I would think of if and how I was going to handle this and do that. I plan to at least find a classical culture teacher tomorrow to ask what this whole confusing stuff is about – the thing wasn’t obligatory, so why on Earth are they complaining, and how should I’ve
been doing this (read: without the hand-out and myself having difficulty making up questions that didn’t involve pictures)?

Then it went on about French. I said that Mrs. Van O. was somewhat pissed with me cause I hadn’t finished my work – I hadn’t corrected it & the story of how it went from my viewpoint, including the forgotten by most people part of the V-periods (I feel that totally changed the situation: it
transferred it from an argument about who was supposed to provide correction papers in an accessible format to an issue with no available V-periods and the old, generally known issue of my inactivity in addressing things) -, and that Mrs. Van O. might not correct my test. “I don’t know who’s
right,” Mr. De B. said, “but it doesn’t matter.” I don’t see much disagreement in the issue at the moment anyway: maybe on the part of Mrs. Van O. inappropriately (as I view it) concluding I wouldn’t need her help anyway, while I found there was simply little time but must admit I could’ve
been more active in addressing it. Generally it’s now just a severe example of the old-fashioned “me and taking initiative (or to be exact, not doing so) in situations of asking for help” issue with a history that was pretty different from the other examples (read: the confusing messages both
Mrs. Van O. and my parents gave when it was still an issue of my parents having to read the correction papers). Well anyway, also have to find some way to solve this, but at the moment I have really no idea of how. Mrs. Van O. feels I don’t care about the thing and I’ve tried to solve the
problem in more “normal” ways before (like when it was still an issue of parents having to read the papers, etc.), which didn’t work out, so I’ve really no clue of how to settle this issue now. So here I am again: I’ll just see, and probably see it’ll go wrong.

Anyway, Mr. De B. asked when I’d have classical culture (Tuesday) and French (had last Tuesday) and how French went (well), hoping I’d get a 10 (probably won’t). I hope so, too, but I’m afraid I’ll never know.

We made an appt. to talk about Rome – next Wednesday the 5th period, hope I don’t have economics then (economics is my second optional course, which won’t be put on your schedule so you have to schedule yourself). It’d by the way already become 11:45, although the cab was supposed to arrive at
11:30. It however didn’t arrive till 12:15.

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Today’s Finals

Today my first test started already at 8:00 AM. Whoah, yesterday I was still asleep by then. The test was history and we had 90 minutes for it. It was for the most part about the Dutch Indies (now Indonesia), which was sooooo boring (!!!). I knew almost nothing but just talked some bull and hope it’s correct. The other (very tiny) part of the test was about the States and the Netherlands and how they both developed after WW2. That was very cool and I almost certainly got everything right. I was already finished by 9 o’clock, although I – I was the only student in classroom 9, the room for dyslexic and other special needs folks to take tests) taking history – could go on till 9:30. Oh by the way, when I came in (by then, I was the only student in the classroom), Mrs. De J. left the lights round my desk out, saying I wouldn’t benefit from them anyway. Looked pretty weird.

My second test was an English writing assignment, which went pretty well. We had to write a letter to our penfriend Laura in England, telling her our opinion on students skipping school and the government’s plan to punish parents for it. Was pretty interesting. It had to be at least 200 words, but fortunately they didn’t give a maximum: mine was 678 words!

Tomorroow I’ll have Latin and German. Haven’t studied for either yet, but German’ll be a writing assignment. Latin’s very difficult, but I don’t really feel like studying.

Astrid

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Bad Night’s Sleep and Finals Week

Whoa, I’ve rarely ever had such a bad night’s sleep. I’ve always been a bad sleeper, but still. Mum always assumes I have some blind folks’ sleep disorder in which one’s sleep pattern is disturbed because of lack of light perception (Mum, I do see light, and no, one can’t see “too little” light). As if that’d mean it isn’t frustrating! Didn’t sleep till at least 5:38 and woke up at 7:29, so haven’t even had two hours of sleep. At one point (at around 3:40) I was feeling so horrible that I cried, cause I couldn’t sleep and if now I got to sleep I’d certainly oversleep (I’m always afraid of oversleeping) and was my alarm clock on? (I always check that thing many, many times) I kept thinking about things I didn’t want to think about (Future Reflections articles that determined what a normal blind child should be like and my parents’ sayings about the AS issue) and I felt sooo bad… Fortunately, I didn’t oversleep and I stood up at 7:59 (had to be up at 8:15), bathed, dressed and then got downstairs to drink COFFEE (!!!). Tonight I hope I can sleep better, cause otherwise I’ll fall asleep during my German literature test.

Today our fourth period’s finals week started. The first test was French. Dad’s convinced me to study for it, although Mrs. Van O. said she wouldn’t correct it. Dad says she will, but the question is when. I did it considerably well: very well on the vocabulary and reasonable on the grammar.

I also had Dutch literature. Hadn’t studied very extensively for it, but still did it pretty well. It was about the Enlightment and the Romantic Age, so I knew quite a bit already from English literature. And the thing were less detailed questions than on the last literature test (Renaissance), so I think I’ve a pretty good grade.

Astrid

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On My Suspecting Asperger’s

In the Saturday newspaper appeared an article about hypersensitive people and mainly about “fashion disorders”, ie. how often people like to label themselves or their children with disorders like ADHD, PDD-NOS and dyslexia. We (my parents, sister and I) were joking about labelling and disorders, but meanwhile of course I was feeling weird: I’m our household’s self-labeller, with my suspection of Asperger’s since June, 2002. Not that at the moment my issues with this suspection are too serious (still recognize some of its symptoms but know there are many other official labels of mine that could explain it), and at the moment I’m somewhat joking about my excessive search for labels during last summer, but I can clearly remember the situation I was in when I searched for labels: I was completely desperate having my weird social/emotional/behaviour issues and seemingly no-one understanding that I wasn’t just wanting to be annoying. What made me feel even weirder, was that I knew my parents probably knew about my suspection for a while, but it had become even more likely after last Monday. (Over the last few days, Monday’s discussion’s increasingly appeared to me like an exchange of comments about my stupid and annoying behaviours.) And indeed my Dad suddenly started talking about me suspecting AS, by the way in a very sarcastic way. I quickly ended the discussion and went upstairs to my room. I did know I don’t have AS and at the moment I find my obsession with the disorder, which I had during the summer, to be quite stupid, but my desperate messages on AS mailing lists about not understanding social situations and the way I found people’s expectations (like they’re just telling me I’m horrible at socialisation, which I already knew for ages, and expect me to change my behaviour), were very genuine and are still very genuine. And I thought they’d understand… but apparently they only feel I was being hypochondriac (Mum didn’t even know the word). “That’s when you’re always afraid to get diseases,” I said, when Mum proposed I tell the entire Internet I have hypochondria (she got the word from Mr. De B., like all the pedantic words she’s been using over the last few days), “but I don’t think people like to broadcast that.” (Not that I like to broadcast about my AS suspections, but one has to show me the first mailing list meant for hypochondriacs. And no, I’m not going to search for it, cause that’d be the ultimate evidence of my hypochondria .)

Since yesterday evening I’m feeling pretty bad… Everyone’s just judging me as an annoying, indifferent and lazy girl who just likes to fake issues to have an excuse for her stupid behaviour… Don’t the f*cking folks understand why I was getting to believe I had AS??? That my parents were the first to label me autistic, psychotic, retarded, neurotic, Tourette’s syndrome and so many more??? That I was eventually getting to think that indeed I should be mad, and that I was disordered with my social oddities??? So, now I’m a hypochondriac, desperately in the end getting to believe my parents’ labelling?!!!

I must admit that I’ve quite exaggerated the folks’ labelling. I was taking it much more seriously than I think my parents ever did – although I must say I think with their labelling they don’t realise what a severe disorder Autism/ASD actually is. Did/do I realise it? Probably not fully, cause then I’d never been so obsessed with Asperger’s and me suspecting it.

Oh by the way, their judgement did finally get me to unsub from the ASD lists I was on. Wasn’t really active on them anyway (and mainly as the person who knows more of AS than the average Aspie) but just for the idea.

Still – although I find my excessive issues with the AS stuff to be quite stupid -, I find my parents’ judgement to be extremely annoying: I’m not just an annoying teenager who wants to use a “fashion disorder” as an excuse for her behaviours! The not understanding certain social situations is very real (I wouldn’t have said so a few weeks ago during tutor period if it weren’t true) and I do find certain “normal” circumstances to be chaotic and I do find it hard to understand others’ points of view and be empathetic, and my rigid and stereotypic behaviour isn’t just because I want to be annoying… At the moment I feel as if folks think I am just pretending to have issues to have an excuse to make everyone’s life miserable, which is not my intention!!!!!!

Astrid

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Hairdresser

Today I went to the hairdresser. My hair is quite a bit shorter now than it was before. It now hangs right on my shoulders. I think it’s more beautiful than it was before. But I can still twirl it. “Don’t play the harp,” my parents say since last Monday everytime I twirl my hair. Say they stole the saying from Mr. De B. when they were talking with him last Monday (about Rome and apparently about my issues). Lol, he never says that to me, and Dad thinks he’s stolen it from somebody else. Lol. So, now my “harp” sounds a lot higher, now that my hair’s short, grin. Sigrid also went to the hairdresser. Her hair is shorter than mine, but she still wanted it to be somewhat shorter, but the hairdresser nagged too much about that. Now that my hair is cut shorter, it has more curls than it usually has (my hair ain’t very curly), but Sigrid’s has no curls and won’t get them, which she doesn’t like.

Astrid

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French Class Is Over

My last French class of this period’s over. Didn’t have my work finished. Van O. didn’t say a thing to me and I think she’ll just not care and give me no grade on my next test – as she warned us she’d do. I don’t really care. Of course for morality’s sake I do care and I feel stupid cause I didn’t ask Mrs. Van O. to help me with the correction stuff, but for the (no) grade I don’t care. I only care about the stuff because I’ve some sense of morality. And I feel stupid cause this is the first instance which didn’t get solved by me suddenly being capable of something when I really, really needed to (this occurs rarely anyway) and also didn’t get solved by some caring folks (which are in some instances my parents or sister) or the folks suddenly changing views (which teachers do at times). It is the first time I’m really left to solve the problem, ie. it won’t get solved. If it would, I could’ve solved it weeks before. But yeah, stupid me should get to know that she can’t be like a baby till she’s thirty, and if she can’t change, that’s her problem.

Astrid

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