In the Saturday newspaper appeared an article about hypersensitive people and mainly about “fashion disorders”, ie. how often people like to label themselves or their children with disorders like ADHD, PDD-NOS and dyslexia. We (my parents, sister and I) were joking about labelling and disorders, but meanwhile of course I was feeling weird: I’m our household’s self-labeller, with my suspection of Asperger’s since June, 2002. Not that at the moment my issues with this suspection are too serious (still recognize some of its symptoms but know there are many other official labels of mine that could explain it), and at the moment I’m somewhat joking about my excessive search for labels during last summer, but I can clearly remember the situation I was in when I searched for labels: I was completely desperate having my weird social/emotional/behaviour issues and seemingly no-one understanding that I wasn’t just wanting to be annoying. What made me feel even weirder, was that I knew my parents probably knew about my suspection for a while, but it had become even more likely after last Monday. (Over the last few days, Monday’s discussion’s increasingly appeared to me like an exchange of comments about my stupid and annoying behaviours.) And indeed my Dad suddenly started talking about me suspecting AS, by the way in a very sarcastic way. I quickly ended the discussion and went upstairs to my room. I did know I don’t have AS and at the moment I find my obsession with the disorder, which I had during the summer, to be quite stupid, but my desperate messages on AS mailing lists about not understanding social situations and the way I found people’s expectations (like they’re just telling me I’m horrible at socialisation, which I already knew for ages, and expect me to change my behaviour), were very genuine and are still very genuine. And I thought they’d understand… but apparently they only feel I was being hypochondriac (Mum didn’t even know the word). “That’s when you’re always afraid to get diseases,” I said, when Mum proposed I tell the entire Internet I have hypochondria (she got the word from Mr. De B., like all the pedantic words she’s been using over the last few days), “but I don’t think people like to broadcast that.” (Not that I like to broadcast about my AS suspections, but one has to show me the first mailing list meant for hypochondriacs. And no, I’m not going to search for it, cause that’d be the ultimate evidence of my hypochondria .)
Since yesterday evening I’m feeling pretty bad… Everyone’s just judging me as an annoying, indifferent and lazy girl who just likes to fake issues to have an excuse for her stupid behaviour… Don’t the f*cking folks understand why I was getting to believe I had AS??? That my parents were the first to label me autistic, psychotic, retarded, neurotic, Tourette’s syndrome and so many more??? That I was eventually getting to think that indeed I should be mad, and that I was disordered with my social oddities??? So, now I’m a hypochondriac, desperately in the end getting to believe my parents’ labelling?!!!
I must admit that I’ve quite exaggerated the folks’ labelling. I was taking it much more seriously than I think my parents ever did – although I must say I think with their labelling they don’t realise what a severe disorder Autism/ASD actually is. Did/do I realise it? Probably not fully, cause then I’d never been so obsessed with Asperger’s and me suspecting it.
Oh by the way, their judgement did finally get me to unsub from the ASD lists I was on. Wasn’t really active on them anyway (and mainly as the person who knows more of AS than the average Aspie) but just for the idea.
Still – although I find my excessive issues with the AS stuff to be quite stupid -, I find my parents’ judgement to be extremely annoying: I’m not just an annoying teenager who wants to use a “fashion disorder” as an excuse for her behaviours! The not understanding certain social situations is very real (I wouldn’t have said so a few weeks ago during tutor period if it weren’t true) and I do find certain “normal” circumstances to be chaotic and I do find it hard to understand others’ points of view and be empathetic, and my rigid and stereotypic behaviour isn’t just because I want to be annoying… At the moment I feel as if folks think I am just pretending to have issues to have an excuse to make everyone’s life miserable, which is not my intention!!!!!!
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