As I walked out of classroom 1, in which all 11th grade girls had been dividing rooms for Rome and I just had been standing in the other girls’ way neither knowing whom to share a room with, nor thinking I’d find anyone, I seriously thought over my position in 11th, and actually always since 9th. I’m not teased, like I was in 8th. No-one actively ignores me like kids, including me to others, used to do on elementary school. When teachers nag about me having to find a partner/group or propose strange things like me having a dialogue with myself for French (Van O. proposed that), some folks will ask if they can cooperate with me. But for a long while I’ve been certain no-one would want to share her room with me, even if I complained about not having a group (like I heard Sietske did, who’s now sharing her room with Lisanne and some others). I think some people are nice and I can talk with them for a while when we encounter each other (very stupid talks these are always, centering around school subjects and university), but I notice they don’t appreciate it when I go up to them to have a chat.
I feel I’m having some type of “status quo”. The others don’t openly criticise me (which they do with others), but I notice they don’t like me in any way. They seem not to care and I don’t really care either, or at least I don’t let it show. Of course I’d rather have a circle of acquaintances than being like the idiosyncratic outsider who “should” be left alone (not ignored, I feel), but I can’t easily change that – even if I were able to follow up the things I’d listed under (un?)realistic on my SMART. I’m not feeling particularly lonely, I was just feeling totally embarrassed and it made me think over these things. I was only standing in people’s ways and everyone could see I wasn’t coming to divide rooms. After five minutes I left, feeling I’d better not come, cause I didn’t know what I was doing there and I didn’t expect to find people to share a room with – then I’d been living under a rock over the past weeks, cause everyone’s been arranging rooms unofficially during the past weeks. I don’t really care – I know the folks expected me to find roommates but I’ve known for weeks that I wouldn’t get to find them -, but it was (and is, I still will have to share a room with some folks) just another instance that shows my idiosyncrasy and unsociability and makes me feel terribly embarrassed while I don’t know what to do about it.